Cultural Differences
by Mini Boss Majoring
Summary: One-shots during ME1 and ME2. With several species on the Normandy, it was rather obvious that differences between them would be mistaken at times. Continuing.
1. Shaving

Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect. I do not own or work for Bioware. Lawyers find yourself an actual case. This is a fanfiction site after all.

Cultural Differences

Shaving

A/N: Shepard is male, earthborn, and straddles the line. Takes place right after Feros.

John Shepard woke up with a pleasant little smile on his face. Today was going to be a good day.

They had just liberated the Feros colony yesterday with no civilian casualties and had a lead on what Saran was up to. But the best part was that John had gotten a decent amount of sleep. Sleep made him much less irritable than he usually was, despite his efforts to keep himself controlled. That reporter scum had found out how irritable he could be personally.

Smirking at that experience he stood up and stretched. They would have reached Artemis Tau by now and were probably checking each planet for signs of Doctor T'Soni. The rest of the crew would be getting up now as well as the artificial lighting turned on, and it wouldn't do much good for discipline if he sat in his room all day. Shepard cracked his neck and reached for his uniform.

He threw it on and found a hole in the sleeve where a sniper shot had been a little too close for comfort. It had taken hours to repair the armor itself. Whatever, he could fix it later. Besides, today was going to be a good day; he had sleep, time to spare for training and getting to know his crew, and more importantly was one step closer to getting Saren. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully, and came across stubble that threatened to become a beard.

Shepard shrugged and headed towards his personal washroom in his room where he kept an old fashioned razor. It showed some of its age and he guessed that it would be easier to use something more advanced, but Shepard was stubborn and preferred a razor. It came with being earthborn, he guessed. He put it under hot water to warm it up and reached for the shaving cream...only to come up blank. He had run out.

Frowning but unwilling to let himself be disappointed that easily, Shepard grabed some medi-gel and slapped it on his face. It was soothing and the transparency made it easier to see where he would start; that was a bonus. He would have to ask Chakwas if they made medi-gel kits for shaving; if not he could always comandeer some from her before she knew what he was up to. There was one woman he wouldn't want to face even if he had a dreadnought and she had a peashooter.

Shaking those thoughts aside, he grabbed the razor and began sliding it across his face, only stopping to reheat it or wash some stuck hairs out. The medi-gel felt nice and he felt even less than usual with shaving cream. It helped that it kind of soaked in, allowing him to not worry about it clogging his razor. Trying not to smile to himself and move his face around too much, Shepard continued casually. He was about finished and working on the spots under his cheekbones before long.

There was a knock on his door and Shepard glanced over. "Come in," he called, smiling as he realized what a pleasant day it was going to be. Nobody ever knocked on his door for something bad; Joker would just call him. He put his razor back in the water to heat it up.

The door opened up to reveal Tali, the team's engineer and token Quarian. She always seemed like she had something important to say, but for some reason she was always too nervous to say. When he'd asked Ashley about it, she'd just called him a stereotypical idiot. So Shepard had gone to extreme lengths to be more friendly and not intimidate Tali. So far it wasn't working, if anything it was making it worse.

"Hi Shepard," Tali greeted. She was wringing her wrists as she continued. "I, uh, _we_ were wondering if you were, um, coming to breakfast?"

"Sure am, Tali," Shepard assured with a smile; he had no idea how much of a blush that set off. "I'm just going to finish up here and then I'll be out." And with that Shepard picked up the razor and brought it to his neck to finish his shave. He heard the gasp from Tali but didn't pay any attention to it. Then something hit him.

Back on earth, Shepard had played football with the other kids whenever they had a chance. He was reminded of a specific instance, where 118 pound eleven-year-old Shepard had been hammered by a 185 pound muscled sixteen-year-old friend.

Shepard didn't even have time to think about what had happened as Tali wrestled his arms behind his back and held him to the floor. All he could think about was how he'd ended up staring at his bed instead of his mirror. Then his brain caught up. "What just—"

"Someone help!" Tali screamed, keeping him on the floor. "Shepard's trying to kill himself!"

A good part of the crew had already been at the breakfast table when Tali's cry went out. Immediately Ashley and Garrus were bounding out of their seats and into the commander's room, where Shepard was now struggling to get out of the lock Tali had put him in. Ashley spotted the razor on the ground and knew what had happened immediately; Garrus went to help secure Shepard until Ashley started laughing.

Garrus and Tali looked over while Shepard tried to free himself; Ashley was clutching her sides and leaning against the wall as laughter exploded from her. A few other human crew members gathered around the door and peeked in. When they saw the razor too, they started chuckling and went back to breakfast. "Chief Williams this is serious! Shepard was trying to cut his neck!" Tali pleaded.

Ashley could barely get her response out through bursts of laughter. "He's...shaving!" Ashley managed before collapsing into a chair. Garrus relaxed his guard when he heard that word; C-sec had gotten all sorts of false human suicides when they'd first arrived at the Citadel and he'd read the files. He started to smile as well, knowing he could have made the mistake as well, if not as funnily.

"Shaving?" Tali asked tentatively, feeling suddenly abashed and nervous, as though there was some sort of joke.

"It's a thing human males do, Tali," Shepard manged, finally getting free with Tali loosening her grip. "We grow hair on our faces, and the military has us shave it off so it doesn't get in the way of helmet seals. Watch, I'll show you." Shepard got off the floor, grabbed his razor and cleaned it off, and proceeded to shave where he'd been going to a moment ago. Then he showed Tali the results. "See?"

Ashley was still laughing, if not as hard as before, as she wiped a tear away. Tali looked confused and highly embarassed. "I, I need to check on something," she mumbled and was out of the room faster than Joker from a razor. She was never going to live this down, Shepard would hate her now. And the entire crew would laugh at her about this; how was she going to survive?

Back in Shepard's room, Ashley's laughter had finally wound down, and Garrus was sharing a small chuckle as Shepard finished. "The poor kid's probably embarassed," Garrus noted.

"Probably as red as a cherry," Ashley agreed. Shepard only shook his head and smiled. Garrus watched the Commander finish up; he'd never seen it himself before. "Just be glad you weren't a woman shaving, Commander."

Shepard frowned as Garrus tilted his head, knowing humans saw that as curious. "Not to be rude, but I didn't think human women had facial hair," Garrus commented.

Ashley smiled wryly. "We don't; we shave our legs. Usually when we're showering," she answered. She started laughing at Garrus's expression as she left the room. Shepard put his razor away and realized he had a cut from where Tali had body slammed him. Just as he noticed, Joker announced over the com that Hackett wanted to talk to him. Shepard sighed; today was not going to be a good day.


	2. Rockin' Robin

Rockin' Robin

A/N: Shepard is a Spacer, female, and paragon; first name is Elizabeth. Takes place during ME2.

It was a four man team for a job in the forests of an uncharted world. A dangerous criminal with information important to Shepard's quest had taken refuge on the planet to hide, specifically from Shepard. But it took a lot more than guts to lose someone like Joker, and he had tracked their quarry to his supposedly secret hideout.

Elizabeth Shepard had chosen Kasumi, Garrus, and Miranda to come with her after the criminal. Kasumi would be scout, using her thieving and invisibility to keep a lookout for the only exit from the hideout. Garrus was a distance off in camo and watching with his sniper rifle. Meanwhile Shepard and Miranda were closer, ready to flank the criminal if for some reason Garrus missed. Shepard doubted her token Turian could do that, but it would be nice to be prepared.

And despite how often they bickered—once Joker had made the joke that Miranda and Shepard should just lift their shirts and get it over with; the pilot had suffered for two weeks afterward—Miranda and Shepard still managed to get along well. Shepard saw Miranda as a counterbalance; because they were both idealistic in opposite directions, they worked well at keeping each other in check. At least that was the ideal. Both of them were keen to point out flaws in the opposite sex any chance they got.

At the moment, they had been there for three hours. Intel suggested that the criminal came out of his specific hiding spot to attend to cleaning at dawn, which was coming soon. Everybody was ready and dedicated, having gotten proper rest before.

Shepard shifted her weight uncomfortably and checked her shotgun. Miranda tossed a look at her, inquiring as to what the matter was. Shepard shook her head, and then decided to risk a whisper. There was plenty enough noise on this planet. Something akin to birds were singing all over the place. "I think I'm feeling that last meal Gardner made before we got him the new stuff," Shepard whispered.

"Just hold on, Commander," Miranda offered. "It's practically dawn. We'll have him soon and then you can go to your cabin. Try to focus on the different...songbirds."

"I guess we can call them that," Shepard answered. More birds were sounding as dawn grew brighter. Shepard, doing her best not to do the body dance, listened to the various songs around them. As she listened, she heard a new bird start its song, louder than the others and more booming, as though it was trying to assert itself. But that wasn't what caught Elizabeth Shepard's attention.

The bird was also coming through her headset.

Shepard frowned and glanced over at Miranda, who looked just as baffled. Shepard activated her headset and contacted Kasumi. "Kasumi, what are you up to?" she asked.

"What? I'm not doing anything, Shep. I don't mess around during an op," the thief defended. Shepard sent a warning look in Kasumi's direction just in case, but she was honest about that type of thing. It left only one person on their team who could be transmitting the noise both in the air and in their headset.

Shepard and Miranda shared a look of disbelief; Shepard couldn't believe that it was him of all people distracting them. They glanced over at where Garrus was and Elizabeth's jaw dropped.

Garrus was relaxed in his pose, eye still peering down the scope. But he was also producing a near endless series of chirps and pitches that their translators were incapable of putting into words. Shepard blinked in surprise; Garrus was singing with the other birds that were waking up. Miranda allowed a small smile to escape her normally stoic expression. "Well, he is descended from an avian ancestor," Miranda noted. "I wonder why he doesn't do it on the Normandy."

"Must be something to do with artificial lighting," Shepard joked. She watched Garrus sing his heart out a while longer; it actually sounded kind of nice. But it was time to stop it; she activated her headset and called him out. "Garrus! Stop singing with the birds!"

Garrus stopped in the middle of a note, visibly surprised and caught off guard. If Shepard could see his face, she would see him dead nervous and utterly embarrassed. It took him a while to find his voice; he couldn't believe he'd started doing that. "Sorry Shepard," Garrus apologized. "I guess I got impulsive."

"Well you were doing Beethoven proud; don't do it again," Shepard warned. After the radio went dead she started smirking to herself. Miranda knew that look; it meant Garrus had something special coming, courtesy of Shepard.

ME

Garrus woke up in his makeshift bed a few days later, groaning and stretching. He'd been doing calibrations on the Thanix cannons late through the night, and all he wanted now was something to give him a boost. He left the weapon systems room and tried not to stumble to the breakfast table. A couple people were already gathering.

No sooner had he sat down than something started playing on the intercom; Garrus recognized it as human music, or what humans considered music. Their musical scales and pitches were divided up different from turian music. But he could make out what they were singing.

_He rocks in the treetops, All day long._

_ Rockin' and-a boppin' and-a singin' his song._

Garrus raised an eyebrow; he had a bad suspicion about where this was going. The grins he was getting from some of the crew only confirmed it. But there was no stopping the song, and it continued.

_All the little birds on Jeeper's Street,_

_ Love to hear the robin go, Tweet tweet tweet_.

Just then, Shepard's and Joker's voices joined the recording, shouting at points to change words with their version of the song.

_Rockin' GARRUS! Tweet, tweet, tweet!_

_ Rockin' GARRUS! Twee, tweet-a tweet!_

_ Oh rockin' GARRUS but you're really gonna rock MORNING!_

Laughter broke out around the table as the music continued, with Joker and Shepard accompaniment. Garrus sighed leaned back, looking upward to avoid eye contact. "Come on Shepard," he complained. "That wasn't my fault; it's a pre-civilization instinct!" It only drew more laughter as the music got louder.


	3. I Want One

I Want One

A/N: Back to John Shepard. Never mentioned it before, but John is a biotic and Elizabeth is a sniper. Takes place after Tali's recruitment in ME2.

John was burning holes in the wall with his eyes as the elevator opened. If he tried, he was certain his biotics would have already done so. Two years after his death, during a period of great technological advancement, and _still elevators moved at the pace of Elcor._ He was furious because he had just wasted ten minutes in going down to the Engineering Bay to talk to Tali, finding she wasn't there because she was off-duty, and then going back up to CIC.

Kelly was the first to notice John's temper. While her psychologist abilities were in John's opinion mush—all soft science was mush, if they didn't calm down in five minutes a bullet did the trick—she used her understanding of subtlety to be out of John's way before he knew he was angry. It was always appreciated.

She also managed to keep a beer on hand for Shepard whenever things got wild. He took it right now and spotted Tali and Joker talking. His eyes narrowed; while he wasn't necessarily angry with Tali, he was angry he wasted time, even if he was already on route to Illium. That was time spent he could have used to check on his fish, which liked committing suicide when he wasn't looking.

He drank some of his beer. "Shepard, alcohol is—" EDI began, but was cut off.

"Shut up, EDI! I'm pissed and there aren't any mercs nearby," he shouted back.

"Very well, Shepard," EDI said, and Shepard got the nagging feeling that there was disapproval in EDI's tone. It was both humbling and irritating, especially more when he remembered that EDI was fond of calling Chakwas to talk Shepard down. He simmered down a little as he drank some more before heading towards the cockpit.

Joker and Tali cut off their conversation as John reached them. Both of them noticed the drink in his hand and knew what that meant. "Hey Shepard. Is something wrong?" Tali asked.

"Yeah, the elevator is the worst part of this mission. Do you think some time you could find some way to speed it up a little?" Shepard asked.

"Certainly Shepard! I would be glad to," Tali answered, beaming underneath her faceplate. Joker snickered under his breath; Shepard still had no clue that Tali crushed on him. He would have to bribe Kelly to tell him; certainly he would accept the word of a psychologist or at least get a clue. "I'll get to work on it immediately."

"Thanks Tali," Shepard said, cooling down more. He sipped his beer and put it next to EDI, a sure sign he was calm again. "You know, I'm kind of surprised that this is the first time I've ever seen you guys talking; you both have a deep interest in ships after all."

Tali opened her mouth to say something, but she was beaten to the punch. "Well ships is much more than just ships, Commander," Joker interrupted. "It's like women; some guys like chest and others like legs. You could call me more of a chest ship person; Tali goes for the butt."

John couldn't help but noticed Tali's posture go rigid, something she did when she was nervous. She used to do that a lot around him, but now it was something else. She seemed to be more...confident when around him. He must not be as intimidating anymore.

"Joker," Shepard began, in an attempt to call Joker out.

"And you know what, Shepard? Tali was telling me about their suits, and they don't have to get up and go to the bathroom," Joker explained. Shepard could only imagine how embarrassed Tali was now; she looked ready to run at any moment she could without losing any dignity. Of course, Joker was too excited to notice "Think about it; I could poop right here without anyone knowing and I would never have to get up either. They don't even have to dispose of their poop!"

"Joker—"

"And they pee in there too and there's no worrying about when you do it. I could just crap when I get scared and nobody would be the wiser."

How Tali hadn't fled by now was beyond John's understanding. He tried one last time to shut Joker up. "Joker," he growled, but the pilot was on a roll.

"On and there's this add-on for pleasure stimulation that—"

"JOKER!" Shepard shouted, startling the pilot. Tali ducked her head down and slipped past Shepard, walking quickly away. Shepard watched her go, and then turned his Shepard Glare on Joker. Having seen the Commander rip a krogan apart with his biotics, Joker really wished he could pee with no one noticing. "What is _wrong_ with you?"

"Commander, I can barely walk. Being able to use the bathroom without—" Joker explained.

"I don't care about that; do you realize how rude you must have sounded to Tali?" Shepard snarled. Joker paused; he really hadn't thought about that. "Get your crippled ass down there and apologize, or so help me I will lock you in a room with Jack and Miranda on acid."

Joker was out of his chair so fast he thought he was going to break all his legs. Shepard watched him scurry down the CIC and into the elevator. Joker did like to exaggerate and cause disruptions, which Shepard understood—he'd once when drunk signed the Turian Councilor up for a krogan exotic dancer—but there was a difference between causing disruptions and crossing racial boundaries. Shepard didn't cross those boundaries.

He finished his beer. Yeah, he'd overreacted a little, but Tali was...special. And this was a racial boundary they were talking about; those suits held a lot of history to the quarians and not all of it was good. Shepard headed back towards Kelly; she might have another beer ready for him if the past was any indicator. As he reached for his second, which Kelly had discreetly placed and then disappeared, Shepard felt the urge to pee. And the elevator was currently being occupied by Joker on the way down to the engine room.

_The elevator_, Shepard thought darkly. Now he would have to wait to pee. As much as he tried not to, his thoughts went to the quarian body suits. He wanted one.


	4. Shake My Hand

Shake My Hand

A/N: Elizabeth Shepard again; she is a sniper. Takes place after the suicide mission.

"So who is this again, Thane?" Elizabeth Shepard asked. She, Miranda, and Thane were waiting on the Citadel for their meeting with someone Thane claimed could help them. After a glorious success in defeating the Collectors and losing nobody—so much for a suicide mission, she was freaking Shepard—Elizabeth had decided to scrap the Collector Base and ever so kindly dismiss the Illusive Man. The crew had actually been quoting her words to him all week.

The problem was that doing so also meant they'd lost their funding to keep flying. Immediately Elizabeth had formed a small comission of her crew meant to find and secure funding and supplies. Today, they were meeting someone that Thane had arranged a meeting with.

"He is an old friend from when I served the hanar," Thane explained. "He had a good business sense and was excellent at locating and securing weapons for trade. I'm certain he should be able to give us a discount on weapons and thermal rods."

"That will come in handy," Miranda agreed. She had removed the Cerberus logo from her uniform, but somebody—guesses were on Kasumi being the only one to have the motive and ability—had colored the white part of her uniform blue. So far the coloring looked permanent; one of the guys had tried to say it brought her eyes out, but Shepard had no idea how.

"So hanar," Shepard muttered to herself. "Anything else I should know other than be polite and formal?"

"He enjoys other people's customs, actually," Thane explained. "So he may actually attempt to shake hands with you; I remember often we shook hands when we met and on completing an agreement. Something about a sense of a finality."

"Yeah, I understand that," Shepard assured. "So do you guys want to do anything after this deal's done?"

"That depends on your definition of what to do, Shepard," Thane objected.

"He has a point, Shepard," Miranda agreed. "I'm certain we were all pleased with our ability against the Collectors, but that party you declared 'mandatory' was far too much than even Misters Massani and Moreau were able for."

Shepard looked at her two teammates with mock hurt, holding her hands to her chest. "How could you say that about me? Everyone had a good time, or else I would have heard about it by now. Nothing bad happened, except for a little altercation with Grunt," she defended. Granted, Shepard remembered almost nothing of that night, but nobody had complained.

Thane and Miranda traded a short glance before meeting her eyes steadily. Shepard knew their looks. Both of them were practiced and accomplished liars, but she was a word bender as well and knew their lying faces. The glance they shared was just as equally dangerous.

"Spit it out," Shepard ordered. "Who else got arrested, Miranda?"

"Nobody Shepard," Mirand assured.

"Then what _happened_?" Shepard asked.

"You...was involved with Officer Vakarian," Thane explained.

Shepard smacked her forehead and then laughe da little. "Oh come on; Garrus and I had already done the dirty—"

Miranda interrupted her. "Shepard you accquainted yourself with him on the _kitchen table_!" she hissed. Shepard froze; Thane abruptly walked off to avoid falling into the memory. Miranda continued, extremely painfully, after Thane was out of earshot. "_Several_ of the crew walked in on you. You even tried to _drag_ Tali to _join_ you!"

Elizabeth's eyes were dead set to the ground now, red filling her cheeks. She hadn't expected to hear _that_. No wonder she hadn't had a complaint; her crew had been far too embarassed to say anything at all. And...oh, poor Tali. She had been like a little sister to Elizabeth; how drunk must she have been to even think about crossing that boundary? No wonder Tali had politely refused to come with her; Shepard owed her a very deep apology and an oath never to drink to blackout again.

A deep sigh and more blushing, and then Shepard dropped her head. "I uh, well, this is bad," Shepard muttered. Miranda let a smirk slip; it had been kind of funny, once she'd gotten past the point that Shepard was screaming outside her door.

Thane returned, looking much more stoic; a hanar was with him. "Shepard, I'd like you to meet my friend," Thane introduced.

"This one is pleased to make your accquaintence, Commander," the hanar greeted. "It believes you look well groomed."

Shepard nodded her thanks. "Thank you; the hope was that by coming dressed for business and not for battle is that intentions for a fair deal would be more apparent," she explained. Miranda was briefly amused by her Commander's tactfulness again; Shepard had unconsciously avoided using pronouns describing herself, both being polite by hanar standards without being too obvious.

"This one appreciates your thoughts," the hanar thanked, and offered a tentacle for a hand shake. Shepard went to take his—or was it a her—tentacle without any hesitation; they shook with Shepard's usual firmness.

Immediately things went wrong. Miranda tensed in concern as Shepard spasmed painfully before collapsing to the ground. "Shepard!" Miranda shouted as she dropped to a knee next to her. The hanar swiftly withdrew his tentacle and backed away as Thane knelt next to her as well. Shepard was gripping her shook hand with white knuckles; Miranda could see burn marks where she'd touched the tentacle. "She's been poisoned; call Chakwas and Mordin!" Miranda ordered as she began applying medi-gel.

ME

"OW!" Shepard screamed as she woke up, eyes coming into focus. Talons held her down and she relaxed, recognizing Garrus's touch. She blinked and paid attention to her surroundings. "Why am I in the medical bay—WHAT IS ON MY ARM?" she shouted.

"Easy Elizabeth," Garrus soothed.

"You shook hands with a hanar, Shepard," Chakwas explained, coming over. "They are similar to jellyfish and contain a highly potent neurotoxin in their appendages. You're lucky you still have your mind."

"What is on my arm?" Shepard insisted.

"It's a breathing cast to counteract the poison; it'll be there for a few days until your arm is completely healed," Chakwas explained. Shepard groaned and banged the back of her head against the bed until Chakwas gave her a look.

Shepard sighed. "Can I at least move around?" she asked.

"Of course. Just don't itch the cast and you _aren't_ cleared for any combat."

Chakwas left the medical bay to give Garrus and Shepard time. Garrus looked down at Shepard with concern; she let a smile return and put a hand on his. "Relax Garrus; I'd had worse than shaking hands with a jellyf—the contract! What happened? He probably left, didn't he?" she asked.

"Actually, your near death got you a bigger discount," Garrus explained with a small smirk. It wiped away when he saw the look in Shepard's eye. He knew that look; it was the one she had when she announced a mandatory party. "Shepard..."

"Do you think we can stage a war wound seize up when we negotiate fuel next week?" Shepard wondered, putting a finger on her chin. Garrus groaned.


	5. White Krogan

White Krogan

A/N: Elizabeth Shepard is going, for the second time in a row. Takes place a few days after the incident with the hanar.

Elizabeth had a grin to her face as she strolled through her ship. Her cast, the itchy evil Reaper-created thing that it was, was due to come off tomorrow. That meant that Elizabeth would be on combat duty again, and Chakwas couldn't stop her if she was running off the ship with a rifle shooting at mercs. Even better was that with no cast meant she would have her arm and wrist back, meaning she could finally move her wrist around and scratch those itches that had been bothering. One of them was beneath the cast; the other one involved Garrus.

"Hey Randy," Shepard greeted as she passed Miranda. Miranda only paused for a half-step before continuing on her way; she was used to Shepard's bored antics. Shepard entered the elevator and headed down to see Tali.

Half an hour later she reached the engineering deck, where she could hear Ken and Gabby arguing some more. When they had first rescued Tali, Shepard would occasionally hear her trying to interject; now Tali just ignored them and let them get it out. Everyone but them knew it was going to happen eventually, but Shepard felt Tali suffered enough frustration from them. So she walked in with a grin.

"That's it, engineers," Shepard ordered, barking out in her battle voice. Both engineers jumped and stood to attention. "There's been enough of that; now drop your pants and get it over with."

"_Shepard_!" Gabby shouted, facing going red. Shepard couldn't hold it in anymore and started laughing. "That's not funny Commander!"

"Yeah Shepard; that's downright cruel," Ken agreed. "I was about to win the argument."

"Dismissed; go take an hour off," Shepard waved, clutching her side. Both engineers exited, shaking their heads at Shepard as they passed.

"Did you really just order them to sleep together, Shepard?" Tali said, standing where she was. Despite her hands on her hips though, Shepard could hear the amusement in Tali's voice.

Shepard walked over. "Oh Tali, we all know it just needs to happen and get over with. And don't tell me that if some dream man was ordered to start kissing and caressing you that you would object," she teased.

Tali started fidgeting with her hands, a sure sign she was embarassed, nervous, or both. "Maybe," Tali admitted. She tried to turn the table on Shepard. "And what about you, Elizabeth? If the Council ordered you to begin...intimating with Garrus, you wouldn't be so eager." Shepard was mildly impressed. After the terrible thing she'd nearly done to Tali during the party, Tali was had quickly recovered; Tali was spending too much time with her. It didn't stop Elizabeth's answer.

"Oh please, Tali. If any of the Councilors were dumb enough to request that I'd jump Garrus right there on the stairs," Elizabeth grinned. Tali shook her head.

"You're awfully cheeky today, Shepard. Your cast gets off tomorrow, doesn't it?"

"_Yes_. I'll finally be freed and ready to go. I hate being on inactive duty, especially since we have the Reapers to worry about," Shepard confirmed, turning a little serious. "I guess I'm just trying to squeeze extra fun out before I'm too busy, you know?"

"Don't worry Shepard. I'm sure you'll be able to have fun in-between killing Reapers. You've already killed two and a half," Tali said.

"Two and a half?"

"Well one was derelict and the other wasn't completed; they make one and a half."

"True."

The sound of EDI appearing reached their ears as her avatar came to life. "Shepard, Grunt wishes to show you something," EDI explained.

Shepard sighed. "Ok EDI, thanks. Tali, give me your shotgun," Shepard ordered.

"What? Why?" Tali asked. Even though she was suspicious, she was already reaching for it to hand to Elizabeth.

"The last time Grunt showed me something, it was a gutted varren. It was still _alive_," Shepard muttered. She shivered a little as she took Tali's shotgun. "I'll let you get back to work, Tali. Say sorry to Ken and Gabby for me."

"I think they've come to expect your antics, Shepard," Tali teased, turning back to her console. Shepard rolled her eyes good naturedly and left engineering. She turned towards the cargo hold where Grunt would be waiting. As long as it wasn't still alive and snapping..._ It's okay; I have a shotgun this time_.

Shepard opened the door and found a strange krogan in her face.

It was albino, with a black look down at her. In fact the door had opened to reveal the intruder a mere foot from her. When dealing with a krogan, that was lethal. Shepard's eyes widened as the krogan came at her. She did the only thing that was possible.

She screamed and opened fire with the shotgun.

Blast after blast of point blank fire tore into the white krogan, burning away thanks to incendiary rounds. Shepard pulled the trigger until she was blank, not quite realizing that the krogan had burned into nothing. She stared white knuckled where the freak krogan had been. How had he gotten onto her ship?

"Shepard!"

Elizabeth whipped around to see Tali, Ken, Gabby, Miranda, and Garrus behind her, with a curious Jack coming up as well. The engineers had been asked by Miranda why they weren't working; Garrus had come down to see the result of two forces clashing. All four of them had heard Shepard's scream and raced to see if she was all right.

"Battlemaster?" Grunt asked, poking his head around the corner. "Why did—"

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Shepard howled, pointing at the small pile of ash. "How did another krogan—a freaking _white_ krogan—get on my ship! Are you budding off or something!"

"Battlemaster that was my skin," Grunt muttered.

"...Huh?"

"It was my skin, Battlemaster. I wanted to show it to you," Grunt explained. "Was it that intimidating?"

"..._Huh_?"

"Krogan shed their skin once in a while, Commander," Miranda explained. "It's a natural part of their aging process."

"I'm guessing nobody told Shepard," Garrus joked lightly, trying to calm Shepard down.

Elizabeth was just plain confused. "But, it had eyes and it was glaring at me and, and it _moved_," she rambled. Garrus put an arm around her and carried her towards the elevator. Ice cream was in order. Grunt looked at his destroyed shed skin and shrugged before shutting his door.

Miranda shook her head. "Nothing is ever normal. Back to work then," she muttered.

"Didn't we just get an hour off?" Ken requested.

"Shepard's indisposed at the moment; her orders don't count. Unless you want to spend the next hour doing something _I _chose to order," Miranda noted. Both engineers ran into the engineering. Miranda smirked; It was fun to act like Shepard. A little.


	6. The Zoo Experience

The Zoo Experience

A/N: John Shepard has returned. Takes place after the suicide mission in Mass Effect 2.

The man who held Elysium has never been one to do things halfway. He'd long given on the point of giving up or surrender back then, thinking that he might as well go down fighting like his comrades. Instead he got lucky and reinforcements showed up. It molded him with its lesson: push hard enough and the door will open.

His same philosophical approach to the Collector base had seen it annilhilated. Perhaps there had been important tech there—if he could keep it from the Illusive Man singularly—but his wrath for the colonists and his crew didn't want anything surviving memory of the collectors. Besides, why only do things halfway?

If only it had saved his crew. Three people—Zaheed, Jacob, Samara—had died during the suicide mission, some of it completely avoidable in Shepard's eyes. He wondered if it _had_ been his fault because he'd pushed harder. The thought had put the commander in a quiet brood, and the rest of the ship felt it.

So the crew conspired to shake Shepard out of it. John had granted them a week's furlough, and they were going to use it on the one place Shepard loved most: Earth. They sent Tali up to him to appeal to his softer side, and Tali—uncertain about trying to subtly wean information of the man she loved, let alone that it was freaking Shepard—was able to learn about the place Shepard loved as a kid. That place was the zoo.

ME

"So this is a zoo," Garrus muttered, glancing at the arch overhead as they passed through admission. "I have to admit, I would have never thought to keep animals like this. Turians wouldn't have a good enough reason for one to strengthen the heiarchy."

"It's changed a little since I was here; it's bigger," Shepard noted. It was more advanced, too. "All right, listen up. The zoo is a big place and people get lost all the time, so stay in sight of me. At least we'll be able to keep track of each other."

Everyone looked at Grunt, the only krogan on probably the continent. "What are you looking at?" Grunt asked. Miranda pinched the bridge of her nose; this was suddenly becoming a bad idea.

Tali scooted a little closer to Shepard. It had taken Jack—the blunt foul-mouthed convict—to help Shepard realize _why_ Tali was always different around him. Shepard was charmed, but he was also Shepard, and was afraid of both a relationship in general and of Tali being hurt because of him. Garrus had to point out that the crew took risks for Shepard all the time anyway, which caused Shepard to consider taking Tali off of combat duty. Finally Chakwas had to drag him by the ear to her medical bay and point out to the commander how he truly felt about Tali if he was ordering a second armor improvement around the engineering bay. By this point, Tali had been given instruction by Kasumi on how to 'seduce' Shepard. So when Shepard called Tali up to admit how he felt about her, Tali promptly jumped the commander.

Joker and Kasumi had tried turning it into a sappy romance novel, but Shepard's biotic bursts had destroyed most of the copies. Kasumi kept one on her omni-tool; she still read it all the time.

"Do you have a spot you would like to go first?" Tali asked.

Shepard's thoughtful pause was only momentarily. "The birds," he answered.

ME

"Battlemaster, are you sure—" Grunt began.

"If you ask to eat another parrot, Grunt, I'll take you off combat duty," Shepard threatened. Grunt didn't finish his question. Garrus kept a close eye on their commander. Shepard didn't look like he was really enjoying himself, which meant that he hadn't shaken out of it yet. Last time they'd been given help with Kaidan's death by killing Sovereign and pissing off the Council. Garrus needed to find something that would distract the commander better, even though the birds were fascinating.

Off to their side, Tali and Kasumi watched a bird farther off. "What type of bird is that?" Tali asked politely. It was walking around outside of a cage, yet people kept a respectful distance to it. Was it some kind of religious viewed animal?

"It's a peacock," Kasumi explained, more than well aware of the translation error. "When they get threatened they raise and spread their tail; it's really beautiful."

The peacock squawked at Garrus, who blinked and stepped backwards automatically as though stepping out of a superior's office. Thane tried approaching it slowly. When it saw Thane, the peacock began raising an alarm and its tail spread out, causing more than a few looks from the crew. That is, until Grunt scared it off.

"Ha! Garrus's family is full of cowards," Grunt declared.

"What? It's a bird Grunt that's not my family," Garrus muttered.

"You're a bird, turian."

"That's racist."

"Cut it out, both of you!" Shepard ordered. Garrus almost apologized automatically, but then his brain clicked. Last time, Shepard had been pissed when he'd gotten out of his slump. And nothing frustrated Shepard more than racial slurs. Garrus was going to get himself killed, but if it got the commander out of his slump, then so be it. He traded looks with Thane, who also caught on.

Thane delivered a blow to Garrus. "If it is part of Garrus's lineage, then its name reflects on Garrus as well. It _is_ called a 'pea cock', and since the pea is a tiny vegetable," Thane left off.

"Then that explains why Garrus locks himself away for calibrations instead of going out," Kasumi teased. Garrus was flustered. Shepard shouted for them to stop being racist, and then the rest of the crew caught on.

ME

"Wow."

"Indeed. It looks very similar to a hanar."

"I agree, Krios. It almost gives me an idea on how to deal with them."

"Miranda..."

"Ha! The jellyfish has no brain!"

"Congratulations Grunt, you can see."

"Actually, the hanar do—"

"As a C-sec officer, I never saw any indication of that."

"Garrus I will _murder _you."

"Take it easy, John..."

ME

By now the crew was in an uproar, laughing and trading insults, only pausing momentarily when Shepard threatened to blow their guts across the wall. Tali had quietly relegated herself to the role of keeping Shepard calm, just in case breaking him out of his slump worked too well.

"Krios, come look at this fish!" Jack laughed, drawing eyes to her.

"What about it? I see nothing out of the ordinary," Thane commented, walking up to the tank.

"It's got your lips!"

Thane stopped mid-step as the crew burst into laughter. Shepard glared Jack down, but it was futile when the fish turned out to only be food for the tank's main attraction: a shark. That only got the crew laughing ever harder.

ME

"How come the humans get to make most of the jokes?" Grunt complained.

"Because we haven't gotten to them yet," Garrus answered. "Though your family is more boring than elcor Hamlet."

"None of them move. Ever. It's like they can't think for themselves," Miranda noted. "Wait, this one just moved."

"Really?"

"Wait, it's an amphibian. Never mind. Mordin, that would be like you, right?"

"Lays eggs, similar eyes, spread finger; appropriate assessment Officer Lawson."

"So why doesn't Mordin need to be dunked in water all the time?"

"_Tali?_"

"My ancestors must be freed! They need to fight!"

"Grunt, I don't think they even comprehend the word. Maybe your ancestors were pacifist."

"..."

"Consensus suggests that you have shattered Grunt's perception, Vakarian Officer."

"Yeah, maybe that wasn't a good idea..."

"_What is wrong with Grunt_?"

"Crap."

ME

The entire crew just stared, wordless, at the platypus.

ME

Knowing that it was going to be a bad idea, Shepard nonetheless led the crew towards the ape enclosure. He tried not to blowing everything apart as insults began flying.

"I suppose that explains where humanity gets its poorer looks from."

"Better than you, fish-lips!"

"Jack, the monkey wears more covering than you."

"Correction: it is actually an ape. Monkeys have tails."

"...Did it just...holy crap."

"It just flung its own excrement, yes."

There was a moment of silence, and then the aliens burst into hard laughter. Garrus had the first witty line. "Miranda is that what humans mean by mud-slinging politics, or do we just miss out on this on the Normandy?"

"I don't throw my own poo."

"Humans are dumb! Crap is a poor ammunition."

"Look! It just threw that other monkey's crap!"

"They are not monkeys. Monkeys have tails."

"We're moving on!" Shepard shouted. Tali eyed their commander. If he could just get into the spirit of things, then she knew he would be better. The way he was, he would kill one of them before breaking out of his slump. Maybe Tali could talk to him; that had been her suggestion in the first place.

They reached the gorilla pen, when immediately the gorillas got furious, beating their chests and howling up at the Normandy crew. None of the aliens thought to insult them.

"Why are they doing that?" Thane asked.

"I think it might be Grunt. He's large and dangerous, so they're defending their turf. Especially their leader, the silverback there," Miranda explained.

"I'm surprised they haven't thrown something yet," Kasumi mused.

"Don't encourage them."

Grunt however, had been experiencing his own rage. These were lowly creatures, not even able to wield a weapon, and they dared to challenge him? He was pure krogan! So he did the first thing that came to mind. "For Clan Urdnot!" he shouted, and hopped down into the gorilla pen.

Too late Grunt realized that gorillas were extremely strong. And he was outnumbered five to one.

ME

As Grunt was being lifted out of the pen—the gorillas had been tranquilized after crushing Grunt—Tali spotted Shepard sitting down off to the side by himself, head in his hands. She glanceda t the crew, occupied with Grunt, and then headed to sit next to him.

"I try so hard, Tali," John muttered as she sat down, not looking up. "There's always been one line I've never let my crew cross, and that's racism. And yet you all seem determined to start hate wars."

Tali didn't say anything, sensing he had more to say, and put a hand on his shoulder.

"I grew up in a gang, the 10th Street Reds, remember? And as much as I regret it, we were xenophobes. I was one of the worst, spewing racist comments any moment I could. It took the threat of a hate crime and realization that my beliefs were wrong to change that. Since then I've tried to never utter a hate comment and view all species equally; I don't want to end up like I was before. And then there's you guys."

Guilt was flooding through Tali right now; Shepard could sense something was wrong when she dropped her head and began wringing her hands. "I'm really sorry John; I didn't know... we've, uh, been making those comments on purpose," she admitted.

John stared at her.

"I'm sorry! You were in a slump and we wanted to get you out so Garrus thought if you got mad like last time then you would get out of it and I'm sorry—" Tali was interrupted when Shepard put a hand on her shoulder.

"It's all right Tali," he assured, a small smile on his face. "You didn't know. And only those guys would risk my wrath to help me out."

"I...I was part of it too, John." Tali confessed.

"Yeah, but I could never hurt you," Shepard retorted softly. Tali felt her face heat up; he was good at that.

Their moment was interrupted by Garrus, who hadn't heard any of their conversation or seen what they were up to. "Hey Shepard!" he called. Then he gestured with a grin to the chimpanzees again. "It flung its poo again; I think it's making a pass at you."

Tali opened her mouth to call Garrus off, but Shepard gently squeezed her shoulder. He gave her a smile, then turned to face Garrus.

"Go suck on a worm, peacock!" Shepard answered back.

There was a shocked silence, and then the crew had a round of laughter at Garrus's expense.


	7. Cultural Similarity

Cultural Similarity

A/N: Elizabeth Shepard for a similarity. Takes place after ME2 suicide mission; seem to be there a lot.

The _Normandy_ resource commission had the responsibilities to keep the ship flying, people fed, and guns loaded. The people on it were selected for specific reasons. Miranda, having manged all their logistics and cash flow before, headed commission. Kasumi was selected for her ability to 'acquire' things without anyone's—specifically Shepard's—knowledge, while Thane had several contacts who could sell to them at discount price. Jacob was there since he worked in the armory, Garrus worked with the ship defenses, Tali worked with the engines, and finally Chakwas represented medical interests.

Today they were going over a final budget review, which meant Shepard had to come and listen. Miranda was trying as quickly as possible to explain while using the smallest words, so that Shepard wouldn't get bored or start daydreaming. The fact they were in Kasumi's room, where the thief was able to discreetly keep up her alcohol supply, added to that. Never mind that Garrus and Tali were in the room... sometimes Miranda wondered how Shepard ever stayed focused.

"You know what? Let me see," Elizabeth asked, reaching out for the datapad impatiently. Miranda tossed it to her, and the other four women crowded around her, looking at the datapad and pointing things out.

Garrus, Jacob, and Thane stood off to the side, waiting for their turn to highlight important details as well. Jacob shook his head and grinned at the sight of five women crouched over the datapad. "Can't say I haven't seen something like that before," Jacob muttered under his breath.

Thane allowed a small smile slip as well. "This scene is very familiar; I have many memories of waiting patiently while catalouging and shopping were done," he added.

Garrus took another glance at Elizabeth before saying anything. "Seems they always have to go over every tiny detail, even if they've been told it's checked. I've noticed Shepard and several others do that when I give them a status report," he remembered.

"At least it's not a shopping list," Jacob pointed out.

"It practically is," Garrus retorted. The three men shared a grin until a sound interrupted them. They looked over to see all five women watching them quietly. At all once they got the feeling something was wrong. "Is something wrong with my numbers, Shepard?"

"No," Shepard assured kindly. "Just wondering what you were saying."

Garrus had a thought: _crap_.

He'd seen _that look_ on Shepard's face before. Earlier in the mission, when they had been flying back to the Citadel to pick up foodstuffs, Grunt had been angry over how hungry he was and making lots of unnecessary noise. When Jack came up and shouted for someone to shut Grunt up, Garrus had whispered jokingly to Elizabeth that she should give Grunt her hamster. He'd gotten _that_ _look_. For the next five days, Garrus was practically dead to Shepard, and no amount of pleading would get her to even admit she was paying attention to him. For someone who loved to throw a lot of verbal remarks around, Shepard wasn't very good at taking them.

And now Garrus was faced with _that look_. He did the smart thing. "I think I forgot to do some calibrations for the Thanix Cannons," Garrus answered quickly, gesturing with his thumb. "It might change my numbers." He quickly exited the room, with Thane and Jacob using that as their excuse to follow them.

The door shut behind them. Shepard and the others kept up their frowns a moment longer, and then they burst into laughter, clutching sides and throwing their heads back. "Oh I've forgotten how quickly men jump to the sound of a whip," Chakwas remarked, covering her mouth.

"More like the look of one; right Liz?" Kasumi asked.

"Oh no, Tali had this one," Miranda intervened. "She cocked her head and had a hand on her shotgun like she was considering shooting them."

Shepard laughed more as Tali likely blushed, saying something about how she couldn't give a glare or frown. Eventually Shepard glanced back at the datapad. "Well the numbers look right anyway. Kasumi, break out the glasses!" Shepard ordered.

"Shepard, we're going to be taking off soon," Miranda tried, but Shepard gave her a pout. The other women watched closely. Miranda sighed. "Make mine a double." There was a cheer from Elizabeth and she wrapped arms around the closest two, declaring a ladies' night: never mind it was afternoon.

Outside Kasumi's room and safely out of earshot, Thane spoke first. "I should have known better than to mention a women's habits in front of them. Yet for some reason I can never stop myself in time."

"Yeah, it doesn't seem to matter what race you are: if you're a male you're under their thumb," Jacob agreed. "I'd bet that krogan Shepard knew on Tuchanka—Wrex, right Garrus?—never has to worry about that."

Garrus glanced between the two of them as they returned to their posts to avoid further trouble. He didn't say a word.

ME

_"Shepard," Wrex greeted one morning._

_ "Wrex," Elizabeth answered, sounding a little more grouchy than usual. Garrus didn't miss that Kaidan and Joker exchanged a look before slowly giving Shepard a lot of space. Did they know something about her he didn't? Wait... he checked his calendar that Joker had given him a month ago. It had outline a few days each week that were detailed 'Stay out of Shep's way.' This was one of them._

_ "How did you sleep, Commander?" Ashley asked, sitting next to her._

_ "Terrible," Elizabeth confided. "My leg wound kept acting up and the bandaging on my shoulder was itchier than a mosquito bite." Garrus had no idea what a mosquito was, but he wasn't going to ask._

_ "Heh, women are fun to fight with but you can complain a lot, like turians," Wrex joked. Garrus was about to retort back, but Shepard cut him off._

_ He first expected it to be a one-up; Elizabeth had to have the last word, he'd noticed. But what happened next he didn't expect. Shepard jumped out of her seat, knocking it aside, and then grabbed Wrex by his shoulder guards. "DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME, SOLDIER?" Shepard howled. The room went dead quiet and Wrex didn't say a thing. "Because if you do, then we can sit your ass outside the Normandy through the nearest airlock, and DON'T YOU THINK I WON'T DO IT MYSELF."_

_ The silence set in again as Shepard stared Wrex down. Garrus felt a chill down his spine, which subconsciously said that Shepard would just as soon throw him out the window as well. He glanced about; Kaidan and Joker were looking down at their plates quietly; Ash was watching calmly; Liara had fled the room; Tali was wringing her wrists nervously in fear of Shepard._

_ Since Wrex said nothing, Shepard took that as a sign. "Good," she growled. "Now get down back to your station or so help me the genophage will be last thing your quad worries about."_

_ "Shepard," Wrex grunted, and he headed downstairs. Shepard's face turned from murderous to weary and she stumbled back towards her room. The humans continued as though nothing had ever happened. Garrus, afraid to ask, decided to go along._

ME

"Yeah," Garrus muttered to himself. "Never had to worry about it." Then he returned to his station. If Elizabeth was going to follow up _that look_, he might as well try to look like he wasn't lying.


	8. Not a Wound

Not a Wound

A/N: John Shepard is going to get involved in something uncomfortable; takes place after the Luna mission in ME1.

Ashley sighed and put aside the rifle she'd just finished fixing. There was always another rifle to work on, but that last one had been a piece of work. She'd have to ask Shepard not to use the rifle as a battering ram next time; he was a biotic after all. Taking a second to scratch her scalp, Ashley went to work on the next rifle; the oversized trigger marked it as Wrex's. Wrex almost never had damage to his rifle because his head was a much harder surface.

She was already dissembling the rifle when someone came up behind her. It wasn't Shepard; he spoke as soon as he reached her. Ashley glanced over her shoulder and saw Garrus standing there, looking like he had something to ask. She'd been leery about having him on board at first, but time spent in the field erased any distrust. Still, she was feeling a little temperamental today; he better not have a question on human behavior or history. "What do you need, Vakarian?" Ashley asked.

"Ah, are you...wounded, Williams?" Garrus asked.

That was out of left field. Ashley paused for a second before continuing her work. "No, I'm fine. Takes more than a few drones to keep me down. Why you asking?" she replied.

"It's just well, I know that you like to stay in the fight—I do too—but you shouldn't disregard a wound even if it's small. I just didn't want you to hurt yourself worse."

"What are you talking about Garrus? I'm not hurt," Ashley insisted.

Garrus looked uncomfortable, as though he knew how hard it was to admit something. "I didn't want to say anything, but I know you are because I can smell the dried blood," he admitted.

Ashley stopped what she was doing as her cheeks started to heat up. _You have got to be kidding me. Aliens don't go through this?_

She put the rifle down and turned towards Garrus. "Look, you're just mis-smelling. Trust me," she muttered.

"Doubt it; it's been in my nose for hours now," Wrex noted. Ashley's face flushed further. Great; both aliens could smell that? This could not get any worse.

"Just let me be; you're overreacting," Ashley requested.

Garrus had noticed the tint to Ashley's cheeks and had guessed half-right as to why that was. "If it's an embarrassing wound it's still a wound, Williams; and Doctor Chakwas is very good about confidentiality and you seem to get along well—" Garrus offered.

It was like a switch had been flipped and somebody had lit a fire in her eyes. "I said get off my case turian!" Ashley shouted at him, fury in her expression. Garrus instinctively took a step back from the angry woman. What had come over her? It had just appeared. "I said it was nothing and it's nothing! You too Wrex!"

"Heh. A little fire; that's always fun," Wrex mused.

Garrus tried to calm her down. "Take it easy Williams; I'm just trying to—"

He was cut off again as Ashley swung a hand at him, making Garrus take another step back. "I don't care! Back off!" Ashley ordered.

"Do we have a problem?"

Shepard's voice had the ability to literally cut through anything and this time was no different. The three turned to see Shepard coming their way; he had a pistol in one hand which looked like he'd been playing with. At seeing him Ashley's anger seemed to disappear and she was suddenly tired and weary. "I don't like seeing my crew argue. Now what's going on?" Shepard requested

"Williams is injured and we're just trying to convince her to see Chakwas," Garrus explained.

"She looks fine to me," Shepard grunted.

"I can smell blood from her, Commander," Garrus added on. Wrex grunted, already bored with their conversation.

"Chief?" Shepard asked, pulling rank. The last thing he needed was one of his main infantryman down and out for the mission up ahead, but it'd be better to know now than in the middle of gunfire.

Ashley looked almost depressed, her face redder than Wrex's armor. "Skipper it's..." she trailed off, swallowing her courage. "_..._that time."

Garrus wasn't sure what that meant, but Shepard did. His eyes widened with understanding and his mouth made a silent oh. His face tinted a little, and Shepard's voice was then flat. "As you were," he ordered. Ashley nodded gratefully and went right back to her rifle maintenance. "Wrex, Vakarian, let her be. It's nothing for you to worry about," Shepard told them.

Wrex shrugged and walked off, having gotten bored of the conversation a while ago. Garrus wasn't so convinced. He made for one last try to understand what was going on. "Shepard, I don't understand why if Williams is—"

"_Garrus_," Shepard stated, and Garrus quieted. Shepard closed his eyes and breathed deeply, a biotic aura around him. "Go see Doctor Chakwas, Vakarian. On the double."

"I—sir," Garrus answered, and headed up towards the elevator. Shepard scratched the back of his neck and walked awkwardly over to the requisitions officer. As Garrus entered the elevator he passed Tali, who had been watching quietly. Tali went up to Ashley and whispered something quietly. Then Garrus gawked as Tali and Ashley _hugged_. What was going on? How did Tali know about something he didn't?

The elevator reached the living quarters and Garrus strode out; the thing was far too slow. He turned the corner, gave a passing wave to Kaidan, and entered the med-bay. Chakwas was sitting at her desk, reading over some report or another when he came in.

She gave him a matronly smile, reminding Garrus of his mother and any other mother he'd come across in his career. "Hello Garrus. Is there something I can do for you?" she asked.

"I'm not sure what, exactly," Garrus confessed. "Shepard sent me to see you after an argument in the cargo hold?"

Chakwas raised an eyebrow, curious as well. Garrus continued.

"I was just trying to convince Williams to come up and see you because I knew she was injured; Wrex and I could smell dried blood on her, and..." Garrus trailed off as the doctor sighed and shook her head to herself.

"Commander Shepard would send you to me, although it really is better than the man trying to explain it himself," Chakwas muttered to herself. She put her report aside and gestured to a chair. "Sit down Garrus; this could take awhile. You see, part of the female anatomy is..."


	9. It's Cold Outside

It's Cold Outside

A/N: Elizabeth went two in a row, and now John Shepard is. Takes place during the Noveria mission.

After the battling on Feros and the blatant destruction at Liara's dig site, Shepard had been asked—very politely even—by the Salarian Councilor to try to disrupt the scientific balance at Noveria as little as possible. The Salarian was by far Shepard's favorite Councilor—the Asari one was too much of a ship jumper and the Turian one he just plain hated—since the Salarian looked at evidence empirically. If Shepard had some evidence of something the Salarian accepted without a second thought, making him easier to deal with. So John had agreed, promised even, to try to be as non-disruptive as possible.

Fifteen minutes later John understood why the Salarian Councilor had made him promise. It wasn't the brief incident with the guards; he liked the head guard there, even if the people under her were idiots. No, it was Administrator Anoleis. John Shepard had met the first Salarian that he wanted to strangle until the man's head popped off. Who did that idiot think he was? If Shepard, a Council Spectre, wanted to go somewhere, _he was going somewhere_. It was beyond any authority on Noveria to tell him otherwise.

It would have been so easy to prove that point by sticking a gun to the Salarian's balls and pulling the trigger. Repeatedly. But Shepard had promised to play nice, so he couldn't even slug him around. The Salarian Councilor must have known how much corporate policy would have ticked him off and planned ahead. Shepard was never going to promise something again.

When he called the Salarian Councilor to request permission to kill Anoleis for interfering with the investigation, the Salarian Councilor _almost_ submitted. But whatever research the Salarian Councilor knew was there must have been more important, because he didn't. He did, however, drop a hint for Shepard that eventually led to the Synergistics office.

"Gather in, people," Shepard called. His squad, which had been spread out among the cafeteria, came over. Shepard raised an eyebrow that Wrex was the last one. "Getting old, Wrex?"

"Just bored, Shepard," Wrex grunted.

"Okay, we're going to head into the Synergistics office and download some data against Administrator ##########," Shepard explained. Tali's eyes widened; she'd never heard that word before. "Kaidan, how's your headache?"

"It's fine Commander. I'm ready to go," Kaidan answered. It was obvious he was lying.

"Right. I need you and Liara to stay here. Be visible; keep eyes and attention on you while the rest of us investigate," Shepard explained. Kaidan nodded gratefully and a smile crossed his face; he had an idea of some sort in his head. Shepard gave the order to move out, leaving Kaidan escorting Liara to the bar counter.

The five man team reached the elevator, where it was obvious they would have to go in two trips again. "Ashley, stay with Wrex and catch the second one; I want you two to play guard and sweep up anyone who tries going around," Shepard ordered.

"Got it, skipper."

"Garrus, eyes on Tali; she's going to be getting the data for us while we cover her six," Shepard informed him. As Garrus nodded, Tali felt a little surge of pride and nervousness. Shepard trusted her enough to play such an important role? _Keelah, I can't mess this up_.

The three went up in the elevator and without even a jibe Shepard pulled out his pistol and began firing. Garrus was right behind him, a fire of his own in his eyes. Tali kept a grip on her shotgun, trying to keep up with them as they nearly sprinted through the battlefield. Shepard seemed to be in a poor mood suddenly with the paid off mercenaries, more so than when he dealt with the Administrator.

After a call of, "Headshot!" from Garrus, the mercenaries were deemed cleared. Tali thought she could see a few more, but since Garrus and Shepard had declared it safe she decided it was.

"All right Tali, let's get what we came for," Shepard said, trying to sound as nice and un-intimidating as he could.

"Right Shepard," Tali answered quickly, nearly stumbling over her feet as she entered the office. Garrus grinned to himself at their behavior while Tali downloaded the files. The Commander really didn't get it, did he? It must be one of those human sayings, 'easier to see from the outside.' He liked that one.

Tali finished the download as quickly as she could, shivering in place. Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Cold?" he asked.

"Yeah, even through my suit I can feel it," Tali muttered. She closed the down the computer. "Got it, Commander."

"Good job; let's get back," Shepard complimented. They headed back out into the main room where Stirling and several other mercenaries were waiting. Shepard glared her down; had some of them slipped past? As Stirling gave Shepard a glare of her own, the Spectre called Ashley. "Williams, did any mercenaries come up that elevator?"

"No sir, but—" Ashley began.

"Hold that thought," Shepard ordered.

Tali watched nervously as the quick banter between Sergeant Stirling and John Shepard reached venomous at dangerous levels, with a few equally furious words from Garrus as well. Then Stirling uttered the line, "You know what we did to cop-killers on my world?"

In seconds she watched John go from angry to downright murderous. With a hard gesture both of Stirling flanking associates were slammed backwards with biotic force while Stirling was held in the air. "Probably a bunch of bull since you're predjudiced sons of mother $$$$$$$$," Shepard spat, acid replacing his tone. "Because heaven forbid you're at fault; well guess what? You know what we did to dirty wanna-be backstabbing pigs back on Earth?"

Shepard used his biotics to slam Stirling into the ground. "You think cops hate dirty cops? What do you think the Tenth Streets Reds thought?" Shepard shouted, and point blank fired his pistol into Stirling until it overheated.

The blood splatter was huge. Garrus looked a little uneasy by Shepard's words, but Tali felt sick. She'd never seen him so angry and furious before, and yet she could see the vivid pain in his eyes connected to it. Whatever anger he felt, Shepard thought it justified. She couldn't tell more whether she was scared of him or pitied him.

Slowly, John realized where he was. He glanced back at his two teammates, thought of something to say, realized nothing he could say would be worth anything, and turned back ahead. Shame over his outrage crept in, and he did the only thing he could; he kept going. "Williams," he called. "Round up any mercs running for the elevator for arrest."

"That's what I was trying to tell you before, Commander," Ashley said. Shepard closed his eyes and tried counting; the last thing he needed was to lose his temper again. "He's asleep."

Shepard's eyes popped open. He paused a second before glancing at Garrus to see if he'd heard right. Garrus looked just as confused. "Could you repeat that Chief?" Shepard asked. "Did you say Wrex is asleep?"

"Yes sir," Ashley answered. "He's sitting here passed out in front of the elevator, snoring up a racket."

The previous violent tension disappeared and was replaced by pure confusion. Eager to forget Shepard's outburst the three glanced at each other, perplexed. Wrex loved to fight the most out of them; why would he fall asleep when he had the chance to see action?

"Well, wake him up then," Shepard ordered slowly. He didn't see this coming.

"I tried Shepard. I've shouted, kicked him, shoved him; Skipper I even tried tapping his shields and he just slept through it all," Ashely explained. Suddenly Garrus began laughing at the situation; Tali wasn't certain what to think. Shepard turned off the comm.

"You know something, Garrus?" Shepard asked coolly. He avoided Tali's eye; the kid shouldn't have had to see that earlier. He would have to apologize later.

"Just something I thought of, Shepard," Garrus explained. "Noveria's cold, right?"

"Yes," Tali agreed quickly.

"And the krogan are a reptilian species, right?"

Shepard closed his eyes again and started counting. "If you mean to tell me _Wrex_ is _hibernating_, Garrus..." Shepard began. He couldn't think of anything to finish it with. "Let's get down there and see if we can't find a really big heater."


	10. Elbow Room

Elbow Room

A/N: Elizabeth Shepard for the hooah; takes place after destruction of the Collector Base.

Grunt hated to go to the Citadel. There were only two ways to get around on the Citadel, by elevator or by car. And neither option was exactly comfortable for a Krogan. Out of the two, he hated the car more, so he often chose the elevator. That didn't mean it was better.

Today, Shepard had business with the Council; according to Garrus that meant she was going to shout and argue pointlessly until the Council got bored scratching its rear. Grunt had offered to come and help his battlemaster, but she had turned him down; shooting the Council would only make the problem worse. Grunt suspected that was why it frustrated Shepard so much; shooting was how she fixed a lot of problems, and other people weren't so stubborn with his battlemaster. They had figured out long ago that Shepard was not to be looked down on. Perhaps the Council needed a little reminder that Shepard could always pull a gun on them.

While Shepard, Garrus, and Miranda went to argue with the Council, the rest of the crew was given permission to run free and take some time off. Tali, having been asked to keep an eye on Grunt in case something happened, offered to go with him, along with Legion and Jack. While Grunt didn't care much for the machine, he liked Jack and Tali was okay. His reasons for liking Jack were obvious; she liked to fight and kill things. Tali on the other hand was loyal to his battlemaster and unafraid to get in close in combat; she was also fierce when the quarians were insulted. But there was another trait Tali had that Grunt appreciated.

Grudingly, the four got into an elevator. It was a major one so it was a bit roomier, but nonetheless Grunt felt a little heady from the small space; krogan never did well in small spaces with others. Tali on the other hand, seemed to take up less space than she usually did. Grunt liked it; it made it seem like there was more room. If only he could learn that skill.

"Tali," Grunt stated. "How do you be smaller?"

"I don't understand the question; what do you mean?" Tali asked.

"You seem smaller in tight spaces," Grunt repeated. "It is both tactically useful and it looks to give you more space."

"Oh, that," Tali realized. "It's a habit from living on the Flotilla; you have to learn to get along with what space you have. I don't really think about it anymore."

"Good for sneaking up on a guy, too," Jack added. She was rather small as well, even for a human. Legion was silent; he must've been thinking or something.

"Teach me how to be smaller," Grunt requested.

"It's not that easy, Grunt," Tali explained. "It took me years to do, probably more unconsciously. And I wouldn't know how to start, either." Her response was a low grunt, and Tali left it off at that. They were on their way to a bar mostly because that's where Grunt and Jack wanted to go, and Tali had already been slotted the role of babysitter. She sighed quietly to herself; that was one of the last times she'd play that game Elizabeth called poker. It didn't even sound real.

The elevator stopped before their ride, and a handful of other people climbed in, crowding the already uncomfortable elevator. As the elevator started moving again, people around Grunt nudged him all over, trying to fight him for space. He could feel a haze start to come over his eyes, and it was so hard not to kill the annoying little asari next to him.

Then his omni-tool gave a small beep next to him, and Grunt happily nudged the asari back as he lifted his arm to read it. It was a message from Tali: _Pretend you're in your tank._

The tank; it was probably the only confined space that Grunt ever felt comfortable in. It made sense that if he pretended he was in the tank, he wouldn't be as bothered. So he stood straight, stared ahead at the door, and tried to ignore everything. It almost worked; there was only one problem with his scenario.

When he was in the tank, the tank's walls wouldn't keep elbowing him and knocking him for room. Grunt shut his eyes and tried very hard not to kill anyone.

"This is our stop." Tali's voice reached his ears and Grunt was never more grateful to hear from her. His eyes snapped opened and he shouldered people aside as he worked his way out of the elevator, Tali and the other two following in his wake. Grunt's pace was rough as he focused more on not killing people. The others caught to him pretty quickly. Both Jack and Tali knew that Grunt as a krogan hated being confined with others. But when it came to him killing someone, one was excited about it and the other was definitely not.

"Take it easy," Tali offered. "We'll find a roomier way back to the _Normandy_, I promise." That was enough to cool Grunt down a little, and the four entered the bar. Legion suddenly walked off towards the musical equipment, fascinated by something. Tali was more than happy to leave Legion and joined a few quarians. Jack and Grunt reached the counter, Grunt sitting down. He knew he should be calmer sitting.

Until a turian took the seat next to him, obviously drunk. "Move over, krogan," he ordered, giving Grunt a rough shove. When Grunt didn't obey, trying to ignore him, the turian repeated his instructions, demanding Grunt give him his due space. That was the final straw for Grunt.

He turned around and grabbed the turian by the shoulders. "I want _my_ due space!" Grunt roared, and then head-butted the turian to the ground. Tali and the turian's friends both saw it. As the turian's friends came to confront Grunt, Tali stepped in-between both of them.

"Grunt back off!" Tali ordered. Grunt glowered but didn't attack any of them. Glad that was going right, Tali turned towards the others. "Look, let's not get into any trouble, okay? Why don't we—?"

Shut your mouth, quarian!" one of them shouted. "Unless you're going to take that mask off and use it!" Tali's eyebrow quirked dangerously and Grunt could see the dangerous stance.

"Yeah, just go back to your floating junk heap and suck some clean air," another added. He looked like he was about to add something else to the list of insults, but he was interrupted.

Specifically, he was interrupted by Tali's fist to his face.

"Fine; we'll settle this Shepard's way," Tali spat, and then tackled another. Grunt was a half step behind her, with Jack's battle laughter approaching.

ME

Garrus glared the people behind bars, his look almost as dangerous as Shepard. _Almost_. "What. Were. You. Thinking?" Garrus asked.

"Garrus," Tali tried.

"Do you have any idea how undermining it is to Shepard's argument when told that some of her crew is in C-Sec's cells? I thought you of all people would've been able to keep a cool head! You should be glad it's me that came down! Shepard is highly disappointed in you; what made you start a barfight?" Garrus demanded.

"Garrus, if only you'd heard what those Bosh'tets said, you wouldn't have hesitated either," Tali defended. Even though her eyes were hidden behind her visor, Garrus hear the fire in her voice. Whatever had been said, he would have to find out about. He sighed and moved onto the next prisoner.

The next prisoner was Jack. He glanced at her; she glanced at him. Garrus moved on.

Legion stood dead still in his cell until Garrus came into view; then his eye locked onto him like a homing beacon. "Vakarian Officer," Legion stated.

"Legion, you know Citadel's laws; why did you put a turian's head through a counter?" Garrus asked. In fact, the proficiency Legion had shown with unarmed close combat was frightening; several C-Sec officers had been put through tables and doors as well. Garrus didn't think it was _possible_ to put someone through a detecting sliding door.

"We were defending our crew members, Vakarian Officer," Legion answered. Garrus rolled his eyes; Legion might need to be re-educated regarding how to protect the rest of the team. Garrus moved onto the final prisoner that was on Shepard's team.

"Grunt?" Garrus asked. "Any reason at all?"

Grunt's answer was simple. "They were in my 'elbow room,' Garrus."

Garrus sighed yet again. It was so simple but so overlooked; trust a krogan to get itchy scales about close proximity.

ME

A/N: Well, I have officially run out of ideas, as this last chapter demonstrates. If any of you have an idea, I'll give it a shot, but for now, this is done.


	11. Link Me Up

Link Me Up

A/N: Wow. You guys have a lot of ideas; I mean a _lot_. In that case, let's see what we can do with them, and here's two of them today for your reading pleasure. John Shepard starts first; takes place during the Battle of the Citadel in ME. This idea comes from D48, an anomynous reviewer.

"Contacts! Take them down!" Shepard shouted, raising his pistol and firing off a few shots to get to cover. They had found Ilos, chased down Saren, talked with a millenia old VI, used the Conduit, and were now attempting to scale up the side of the Presidium in near zero g. Along the way, they had fought dozens of geth and a couple fool-hardy krogan as well.

Wrex was having the time of his life. John just wanted to find Saren and Sovereign and kill them already.

Liara began to pulse blue. "Lifting them up, Commander!" she declared, and gestured; their engaged foes went upwards, relatively, and didn't stop. It was a godsend to Shepard; most of the geth were too shocked or separated to shoot back down at them afterwards. Perhaps even machines got zero-g dizzy.

Shepard glanced around the corner and nodded to his team. The six of them raced across the wall towards another 'corridor.' John paused and tossed a grenade down it before blowing it. Sure enough, geth and krogan battlemasters came to the call.

"Wrex, I hate krogans right now. Simply because there's so many of them," Garrus muttered.

"I'm not too fond of those ones either, Vakarian," Wrex rumbled. "Course, I wouldn't mind shooting some turians if you want to complain."

"Bastard."

"Quad-less."

Ashley kicked Wrex, which in low gravity bumped him a little; her face was heated with battle. "Less talk more killing!" she ordered. Ashley had been feeling a bit more vengeful since Virmire; Shepard suspected that maybe she and the lieutenant had been closer than he'd known. That wasn't to say Shepard wasn't fazed by Kaidan's sacrifice; he just wasn't allowed to show it. Commanders didn't show weakness on the battlefield.

Abruptly the two krogan charged. "Bring it!" John shouted, and shoved one back with biotic force. It slowed before going into a slow backflip, as Wrex and Garrus charged the other one. Then Liara sent that one to infinity as well. Ashley and Tali kept cover fire on the geth.

However, krogan were apparently smarter than geth in zero gravity. As the first, flipping krogan came around, he fired a charged shotgun blast at the team. Ashley's eyes widened and she let out the alarm.

"Hit the deck!" Ashley shouted. Those in the way ran sideways, but one of them was a bit slow. Tali, who had been electronically attacking the geth further down, was in a bad position to start with. She jumped but the blast radius hit her in the side and knocked her into the wall. A hissing noise joined Tali's cry of pain.

Biotic power surrounded Shepard, and he summoned a singularity inside the krogan. As it was painfully compressed and ripped apart, Shepard ran back towards Tali. The hissing was coming from her suit; not a good sign. Tali did something with her omni-tool, and the hissing stopped.

"Bosh'tet," Tali muttered.

"Are you good, Tali?" Shepard asked as the team gathered.

Tali let out a sharp pained sound as she tried to stand up, but ended up staying still and clutching her side. "It's not the worse thing I've endured" Tali assured, trying to sound brave in front of Shepard. Behind his back, Ashley shook her head at the quarian. Ever oblivious Shepard.

"What was that sound?" Garrus asked.

"It was my air tank; it was opened by the blast before I could activate the secondary seal," Tali explained. "I'm low on air and injured, but you have more important things to worry about. I'll catch up, Shepard."

"Bull," Shepard retorted. "I'm not leaving anyone else. Who still has a large air supply?" There was a round of silence; no one had thought to add extra to their tank; zero gravity was not in the mission briefing. Shepard sighed to himself. "Trust you guys to not be prepared for something not involving guns."

"What?" Wrex asked.

"I packed extra; Tali hook up," Shepard ordered.

Behind her visor, Tali blushed worse than a red-faced human. "What?" she stammered.

Garrus knew what this was about; he'd learned about it watching _Fleet and Flotilla_. For quarians, linking suits was an intimate gesture; somehoe Garrus doubted Shepard knew this fact. And Tali had a crush on their captain, so that just made it worse. On the other hand, Ashley would find this amusing.

"Hook up so you have something to breathe," Shepard repeated. "Come on Tali; we don't have all day."

Muttering to herself in visor, Tali hesitantly connected her suit to Shepard's. Air flowed between, and she didn't know how the situation could be worse. It could be; John promptly picked up the quarian in his arms. "Shepard! What are you—"

"That tube's about three feet long and you can't walk. Double time, team!" Shepard shouted. Wrex was already going, with the others right behind him. Shepard figured since they were in low gravity, he could easily hold Tali and use some biotics, while she had her omni-tool. In his arms, carried bridal style, Tali thought she was going to explode from embarassment. If only Shepard knew.

Between tactics and flat out crazed charges, the team fought through the reinforcements and finally broke into the Presidium. Ashley's stomach settled as they returned to normal gravity and atmosphere, and Tali felt a sensation of bitter-sweetness; the suit link would be over, and _the suit link would be over_.

_Keelah_, Tali thought to herself as Shepard lowered her down gently, _the only way that could have been more embarassing was if I was naked; I practically was! Actually, nevermind; at least _Shepard _wasn't naked_. She shuddered to herself in embarassment and guilty pleasure.

Shepard on the other hand was slightly curious as to why she'd been tense the entire time. He didn't think he'd been rough or frightening, had he? Maybe he was just naturally scary to quarians; he'd have to work on that after beating Saren. He waited for Tali to disconnect their suits, and then rounded up Ashley, Liara, and Wrex to stop Saren. Garrus was ordered to stay behind and get Tali on her feet. Ashley shot Tali a look of sympathy; Garrus had filled her in while shooting down a geth drop ship.

Garrus knelt next to Tali and applied omni-gel where he could, knowing Tali was more than able to fix herself up. He tried to think of something comforting to say. "Well," he began, "at least you weren't naked."

"Oh _Keelah._"

ME

Aboard the Normandy SR-2, Shepard bumped into Kelly intently reading a datapad. "Checking up on the crew?" he asked.

"Oh no, this is just some background information on quarians so I can relate to Tali better, since she's now our chief engineer after all," Kelly explained. Shepard nodded and started to head on his way. "It's so fascinating. Did you know quarians consider linking suits to be an intimate gesture?"

Shepard stopped mid-step. _Holy. Crap. No wonder she's intimidated by me. I practically did her in plain view of everyone_.


	12. Check This Out

Check This Out

A/N: The second special today features the majority popular Elizabeth Shepard; takes place anytime after the suicide mission. Inspired by Count Kulalu's suggestions. Warning: swear word.

"What?" Elizabeth shouted across her cabin, jaw hanging. "You didn't like _Batman_?"

"I really don't see why you thought it reminded me of you. I didn't think I was some depressed, angsty, crazy man after I lost my girlfriend to someone else. Granted you died, but you weren't going to leave me for someone else because we weren't together at the time," Garrus defended. He had actually had his pride hurt by that; wasn't he a little tougher than Bruce Wayne?

Shepard, however, only looked more distraught by Garrus's explanation. "But it's...it's the Batman! You don't get the connection?" she asked again. Garrus shook his head, and she slapped her face. She thought he of all people would appreciate his war against crime. She sighed; maybe it was an alien thing. "Well that vid you gave me to watch was kind of boring, anyway. I kind of fell asleep," Shepard admitted.

"What?" Garrus shouted this time. "That was about a turian division from the _iron age_!"

In an attempt to bolster their relationship, Shepard had asked Kelly for help. The psychologist had answered that they seemed pretty close already. But Elizabeth had pushed, and Kelly suggested learning about each other's cultures and artistic achievements, and seeing how the other species did the same activity.

As it turned out, swapping vids didn't work out like Shepard hoped. The only thing they had in common so far was a love of shooting bad guys and night time in the cabin.

Well, Shepard had liked that one turian statue, but only because it looked like Garrus. Garrus had been made queasy by first human art he'd found; a painting of a man being ripped in pieces. As Wrex had liked to put it, it 'ruffled his feathers.' Humans had odd tastes.

Shepard sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, a habit Garrus enjoyed watching. It wasn't quite grooming, but it was fascinating to watch how her hair parted and came back together. It was also one of his favorite activities in the morning. Human hair was better than their paintings; they should just paint that.

Meanwhile Elizabeth was deep in thought. Vids didn't work, art was too abstract and boring for either of them, they couldn't trade foods, and military tactics they talked about anyway. She scrunched up her forehead in concentration. Wasn't there something else she'd been going to do...

Shepard's head snapped up, a lightbulb going off. "Hey! Remember when you showed me that one turian game? Something about real time strategy?" she asked.

Garrus frowned a little. "Yeah, the training sim for the public. What about it?"

"Well since we played that for a long time," Shepard explained; they'd taken two days on one mission once, "I'm going to show you how humans play games."

"With their fingers?"

"Clever, Garrus. Come over here," Elizabeth waved wildly, running to her desk. Garrus shook his head and followed her. There was no stopping her when she had an idea, and to be honest it was fun to watch her sometimes. As long as it didn't involve debaucherous parties. Or singing; humans didn't hit the pleasing pitches for turians, and vice versa.

Shepard pulled out another computer and booted it up for Garrus to use. "Take a seat and hit the extranet," Shepard ordered. "I'm going to show you the greatest game in the last millenia: World of Warcraft."

"What? Is that human mythology or something?" Garrus asked, taking a seat slowly. This could turn out badly. He remembered the hanar handshake.

"No, but it plays the same way as you're thinking. I haven't played in ages; I used to play to talk with my mom since the regular lines were always full," Shepard explained. "That way we could talk as long as we wanted. Here, let me sign in...wow that was long ago...and now let me install it on yours."

Garrus backed up and Shepard bent over to frantically type on the computer he was going to use. He smirked to himself; if Shepard always typed that quickly, Miranda would never have to do a report in her life. Several minutes later—with 'words of encouragement' from Shepard—it was ready to go on both computers.

"Now then, I'm already logged in and making a new character since my old one was probably erased after time. You'll have name an account quick and then create your character," Shepard explained.

Her turian boyfriend nodded and proceeded to follow her instructions. It was pretty easy to do; the game had outlined the whole procedure, and soon he was onto building a character. "Hey Shepard, what does it mean warrior or mage or this other stuff? Aren't they all warriors?"

"Warriors use swords and stuff for fighting. Mages use magic spells?"

"Magic, Elizabeth?"

"Shut it and make your character, Vakarian. I'm waiting," Shepard ordered. She had already created hers and was hopping in place, hoping no all powerful raider came through town.

Several impatient minutes later, Garrus declared that his character was done. "It's loading now. How do I find you?" he asked.

"Oh, I should be right in front of you. Just look for someone named ReapersFearMe," Shepard explained.

"There's no one like that there."

A short pause filled the room before Shepard finished processing Garrus's words. She could see her character standing there, so why couldn't he?

"What? You sure? Are you in the same server? Server 9375?" Shepard checked.

"That number in the corner?" Garrus offered.

"Yeah, that's it. What's your name? I'll look for you."

"WeaponOfficer12345."

"Well that's a lame name...this is weird; I don't see you anywhere," Shepard muttered, concerned. She twisted in her seat to peer at his screen. "Where exactly—WHAT ON EARTH?"

Garrus jumped out of his seat and turned towards Shepard. Elizabeth's eyes were wild as she thrust a finger at the screen.

"What is _that_?" she demanded.

"That my character?" he answered, unsure.

"Why are you _alliance_, Garrus?"

Now Garrus knew what she was referring to; the game had asked him before making a character to pick a side. He glanced over at her screen; a horde character was sitting on it. "Why are you horde, Elizabeth? They're the bad guys."

"_Exactly!_"

"That doesn't make any sense; the alliance uphold justice and peace. Why wouldn't I pick that option?" he questioned.

"Because they're not horde, Garrus! All the cool people play horde! What is _wrong_ with you?"

He started to feel his feathers get ruffled. Shepard was getting worked up over this? "I thought it would be nice if the things I learned in life, including from you, were applied in all aspects of my life," he shot back.

Shepard didn't take to comebacks nicely. "You idiot! It's a game! Ideals matter worth squat!"

"Exactly! A _game_, Elizabeth! What does it matter if I chose alliance?"

"Because then we have to fight each other and we can't play together! Switch your character! I am _not _being an alliance character!" Shepard ordered.

Garrus turned back towards his screen angrily. One of their most scathing arguments was over a game, and it was angering him more. "Fine, Shepard," he grumbled. "I'll go back for another fifteen minutes so I can be some green scaled thing so you can have fun pretending any morals you have as savior of the galaxy can go out the virtual window!"

"_Garrus_!"

"What?" Garrus snapped, turned to face her.

He saw her fist flying full speed at his face. "For the mother fucking horde."


	13. Blue Twenty Two

Blue Twenty-Two

A/N: John Shepard has returned; takes place after the suicide mission in ME 2. no1willrememberthisname gets bonus points for recognizing the Rooster Teeth reference; I would suggest checking them out. RayneEthelwulf gets credit for inspiring the chapter.

John examined the green field out in front of him, a small smile on his face. The Normandy had touched down at Eden Prime for a much needed delivery of new plating, and Shepard had decided to let the crew have a day or two off. The crew had scattered faster than Mordin's synapses could fire. As for himself Shepard headed out alone towards a flat field, a small package under one arm.

He pulled out the package he'd brought with him and unwrapped it. It was one of the few things he always kept on hand as a personal item; an regulation size football. He grinned to himself and brought it up in both hands, looking down the sights at an imaginary receiver.

"Hey Shepard," Tali called. Shepard glanced around to see her and a majority of the crew joining him. How long had he been distracted to not hear them coming? "We were wondering what your package was, if that's all right."

"Looks like those toys human kids play with on the Citadel," Garrus added. Grunt thought it looked like an egg.

Shepard's grin grew as he surveyed his team; an idea was forming in his head. "It's called a football; who wants to play?" he asked cockily.

ME

After a rather lengthy explanation of the game from Shepard, Ken, Kelly, and other human crew members, the teams had to be chosen. Shepard did a head count; they were odd numbered. "Okay, so we'll need either an all time defender or all time quarterback," he called out. "Who here thinks they can throw the best?"

A couple human hands went up, but most of the alien hands stayed down; Tali knew she couldn't throw it and Grunt wanted to be on the line hitting people. Garrus and Thane weren't up for it either, but that was most of the aliens. Mordin raised a finger and approached Shepard. "Will give it a try; shouldn't be too difficult. Requires basic understanding of motion and adequate body motor control," he explained.

Shepard raised an eyebrow and handed it to him. Ken and Gabby, who had been talking trash—determined they would be on opposite teams and beat the other soundly—were a ways off and Ken waved for the ball. Mordin narrowed his eyes, raised the ball, and threw. The perfect spiral nailed Ken with the force of a hammer square in the chest. Gabby and several others had a laugh at Ken's expense.

Mordin smirked. "Told you it was simply physics, understanding of wind, aerodynamics, control, momentum, other small factors; did the math in my head," he explained. Shepard shook his head in disbelief. It just kind of made sense the 'old one' would end up with the least running to do.

Next came the teams. Shepard and Ken were team captains since both knew the game best. Shepard chose Tali, Thane, Gabby, Legion, and Jack; Ken went with Garrus, Grunt, Miranda, Kelly, and Gardner, who was quite energetic, second only to a surprising Kelly. They flipped a data pad to see who would kick off first and then got to work.

As biotics had been restricted to only barriers—no one wanted to take Grunt head on otherwise—the four biotics started up their barriers as Ken booted the ball into the air. It came down into Thane's nimble fingers, and he took off as Jack headed off Grunt. Shepard pulled his body into gear and lowered his shoulder at Garrus, the two of them colliding and slowing. Ultimately Kelly clocked Tali and allowed Miranda to drop Thane, the play stopping three quarters from the 'endzone.'

They picked themselves up and got to the line, where Mordin stepped in to assume quarterback. He hiked it and Grunt and Jack bashed heads again, Gabby meeting Ken in the trenches and putting the surprised man on his back. Mordin deftly side-stepped Miranda and threw the ball into the air towards Legion. The machine caught it and turned to run, only to see Garrus two inches away. He promptly curled up to protect the ball as Garrus brought him down

As both teams continued and emotions—and voices—rose, they gathered a bit of an audience. Doctor Chakwas, as well as the rest of the Normandy crew began watching from the side. A couple colonists joined them, and as the game progressed, a decent sized crowd was cheering and booing, divided in two to support their favored side.

An hour and a half later, Shepard wiped sweat and mud off his face and huddled his team up. The game had been fierce, but they had agreed on ending with five touchdowns; both teams had four. Right now Shepard's team had the ball on fourth and fifteen yards from the endzone. He glacned at his team; they were feeling the exhaustion but there was the undeniable spark of competitive spirit.

Shepard took a quick look at the other team. Grunt was a big threat as always, but the most surprising player for them had been Kelly. The normally cheerful, optimistic, and slightly air-headed psychologist had turned on the engines and hadn't cooled them all game; she was responsible for the most forced fumbles on both teams and the dirty grin on her face suggested she knew exactly what she was doing.

"Okay," Shepard muttered, turning back into the huddle. "Here's the plan; we're going to run a double pass. Mordin, I need you to pitch it to Legion, who will back up instead of running and toss it to the open man. We have about fifteen, twenty yards, so Tali run a post, Jack and Thane work on Grunt and Ken, Gabby help them for two seconds and then run a fly, and I'll just pull a button hook."

With Mordin requesting quietly not to become a target after relinquishing the ball, they lined up. Garrus stood across from Shepard, a grin on his face. Shepard grinned back. "You ready, peacock?"

"Be ready to eat your own poo; after you throw it, that is," Garrus retorted.

Mordin snapped the ball. The line collided with the usual howls and Grunt broke through. Mordin faithfully pitched the ball before Grunt nailed him and dropped him like a sack of rocks. Legion caught it and examined the field. Gabby had taken off but had Miranda all over her; Tali was covered by the taller Gardner with help from Kelly. That left Shepard against Garrus. Just as Grunt turned towards Legion, Shepard did a double take and opened himself up. Legion threw it just in time to run and avoid Grunt.

Shepard saw the ball coming and knew he was safe; the endzone was a few yards behind him. He leapt for it, both hands in the air, and just as he felt it secure in his fingers...

...Kelly nailed him in the back.

Their commanding officer did a backflip before landing on his face, ball still clutched firmly in his hands. Kelly cheered as the crowd made a multitude of noises. "Down outside the endzone, Shepard! In your face!" she cheered.

"What?" Shepard shouted.

"She got you," Garrus agreed.

"Hold on! I saw the ball pass the endzone marker when he flipped; that's a touchdown!" Jack shouted, storming over.

"And I _know_ I flipped over the line," Shepard argued.

"What? Commander you didn't have control of the ball; that doesn't count!"

"Sure does! I watched the sport plenty of times; Shepard's good!"

"Battlemaster lost! Admit it!"

"Shut up, Bosh'tet."

"Don't make me do 'okalahomia' with you, Tali!"

"You can't even pronounce it, Garrus!"

"And what are you going to do about it? I knocked the Commander clear on his face! It's a turnover!"

"Hold on; Mordin's neutral," someone said, and they all turned towards him.

He was picking himself up from where Grunt had knocked him over. Upon seeing everybody looking at him, Mordin sighed and cleared his throat. "Wasn't watching; too busy remembering how to survive blunt force trauma," Mordin explained.

"See? It's a turnover!"

"What bull crap is that? I'm the Commander, it's in!"

The arguing escalated on both sides, and their audience leaned towards them, waiting for the expected explosion of violence that occurred without a referee.

"ENOUGH!" Grunt shouted; surprising the arguing did stop. He walked up to Shepard. "There is a krogan method to solving arguments over contests; it's never failed before."

Shepard frowned uncertainly. Wrex had never mentioned anything like that; then again he'd never played a sport with Wrex before. And since this was Grunt, chances were he'd just say something ridiculous. "What would that be, Grunt?" Shepard asked.

He should have seen it coming.

Grunt slammed his head into Shepard's, knocking the Commander to the ground. "Last Krogan Standing!" Grunt declared. He hadn't even finished his sentence before Tali decided for vengeance on Shepard's part and tackled Kelly from the side. Immediately all out chaos erupted as teams were forgotten and they proceeded to beat the life out of each other.

Their audience was silent for a moment, and then began cheering again in greater earnest. Chakwas shook her head and sighed with a resigned smile; this was exactly why they had a psychologist. Then again, as Kelly kicked Jack in the face, perhaps they all needed a quiet board game.


	14. Parents

Parents

A/N: I hate Garrus's parents simply because when it came to introducing them, my mind shut down. Eventually I came up with the name of Garrus's father: Mr. Writer S. Block. To make up for the wait, here's three chapters.

A/N 2: Elizabeth Shepard is here for an interesting get together. This is _not_ no1willrememberthisname's idea; he's just eerily good at foretelling.

It had been so thoroughly planned out that Garrus had heard Elizabeth mumbling some of the details in her sleep. Both sets of parents had expressed interest in meeting their child's companion, and the two 'children' in question had decided to get the entire thing over with at once.

Mordin had been their first stop. With Garrus's mother in the hospital for a crippling disease, her visit would normally be out of the question. But most people didn't have access to a salarian that made other salarians look dumb. Mordin could do that on a daily basis. Securing his agreement to help was actually pretty easy; he looked excited by the prospect of a possible challenge.

The next thing on their list was security. Elizabeth's mother was an ship captain for the Alliance, and like most noticeable officers in the Alliance military, received death threats often. So after a bit of bribing, Hackett cleared the way for Shepard's mother to come and Legion agreed to act as a lookout for any trouble. Besides, there were going to be five people there who knew how to fight in the first place, so they shouldn't have too much trouble.

The last part was something Garrus and Shepard worked on discreetly. Once it was agreed upon and worked out, they were ready for the event. At least, they were as ready as they were going to be.

Elizabeth walked down the street with her mother and father in two. Behind them, Legion was armed and walking at an exact distance from them. None of them said anything, but Elizabeth was obviously nervous. There was something different about introducing your parents to your turian boyfriend's family; she couldn't exactly shoot everyone to solve this kind of problem. Besides, her father would so able to draw first.

Ahead, Garrus was waiting with his mother and father, looking just as uneasy as Elizabeth was. His mother, assisted by a rather ingenious device by Mordin, was just as able to stand as the rest of them. In fact, she looked uneasy as well. The only one who _didn't_ look uneasy was Legion, who was wondering what there was to be so uncomfortable about.

"Hey Garrus," Shepard greeted. "Well, these are my folks, Hannah and Jack."

"Nice to meet you," Garrus said, nodding slightly to the introduced parents. "This is my father, Officer Vakarian, and my mother." Different species or no, it was hard to miss the respectful change of Garrus's tone when speaking about his mother.

"Pleasure's mine," Shepard started, offering her hand. Garrus frowned internally; her normally relaxed poise was tense, like she was in a military ceremony or in some sort of interview. Perhaps she was just as uneasy as he was.

Officer Vakarian accepted Shepard's hand and shook it, remembering how humans put such emphasis on grabbing hands and wiggling them around. As a former C-Sec officer, he could read the anxiety in Elizabeth's expression. Meeting the parents in law was never an easy thing.

For her part, Shepard was ready to bolt at the first sign of trouble. This was the last thing she wanted to do today; listening to the illusive man discuss politics with Udina would have been more preferable to this. She knew that Officer Vakarian had a distrust of her as a Spectre to start with; then there was the fact she was rather...undisciplined, even for a human, and she had dragged his son further into his bad turian ways. He really should meet her father instead; Jack Shepard was a by the books N7 soldier.

She knew her mother was going to enjoy every moment of this.

Hannah Shepard grinned at Garrus, and the turian recognized that expression; he had a faint idea of where Elizabeth had gotten her. Switching a container in her hands from one to the other, Hannah gestured warmly. "Well, shall we head in? Standing out here like this is silly and I think everyone's kind of hungry," she offered.

That confirmed it to Garrus; Elizabeth got her 'free spirit' from her mother. As they headed inside, Garrus tried to do the math in his head. Two Shepards, one happy and one nervous, plus two soldiers, one turian and one human, plus his ill mother, all with Garrus to keep it cool. _Crap; we really need to get out of here_.

Legion remained off to the side, standing still with his head swiveling now and then. They sat down, and both Hannah and Garrus's mother agreed on the idea of seating their offspring in-between the other couple's parents. Elizabeth and Shepard exchanged a brief look, their thoughts running along the same line.

And just like that, they were saved.

A shot went off a couple inches from Elizabeth's head and the instinctual reaction of everyone in the restaurant was to duck and take cover. "Sniper; we got this!" Elizabeth shouted, pulling a pistol from a hidden spot on her clothes as Garrus produced one as well. Both of them bounded over the table, pistols at the ready, and out of the restaurant.

Once they were outside, Elizabeth and Garrus put their pistols away and started running. "This feels cheap, Elizabeth," Garrus muttered.

"Do you really want to go back and listen to _that _conversation?" Elizabeth argued. "I'd rather take on the Reapers with a rock and a stick. I'd rather make love to you, too."

"What? That doesn't make sense; you always want to do that," Garrus pointed out. He glanced over the waterway to see Thane packing up his sniper rifle and walking away; they owed him big time.

Elizabeth's grin was dirty. "Of _course_ I do," she said slyly. Garrus smiled to himself; there was his Shepard. The _Normandy_ wasn't too far away; they could straighten that mess out later. For now, he had to get Elizabeth back to her cabin before she decided that was too far. The vigilante could only imagine what awkward conversation was taking place at the restaurant.

ME

No sooner had Garrus and Elizabeth left than the two pairs of parents sat up slowly. They exchanged a round of looks, and then a collection of laughter rose from their tables. Hannah leaned back in her chair and slapped her knee, wrapping her other arm around her husband. "That was the best trick ever! I didn't think they'd actually do it!" she laughed.

"Tell me about it; it was definitely faked, though."

"Without a doubt. You saw it too?"

"I learned from my husband's work here; any sniper that could shoot all the way back here wouldn't miss like that."

"It _was _a good shot, right Captain Shepard."

"Oh you know you can call me Hannah! But yeah; have to go through my Alliance buddies and see if they know the guy."

"I can't believe how quickly they left though; did our daughter really think we wouldn't have looked each other up first?"

"I know Garrus wouldn't; he's always been a little headstrong."

"The word is arrogant, dear."

"Sounds like Elizabeth for sure. Do you think we should tell them next time?"

The four looked around at each other, and said simultaneously, "No." There was more laughter and the waiter came to collect their orders. Once they had selected their meals, they were back to sharing secrets.

"So who leaked it to you guys?" Jack Shepard asked, sipping his glass.

"Their engineer, Tali," Garrus's mother explained. "She thought they were being disrespectful."

"Which they were," Officer Vakarian added. His bondmate gave him a look and he shrugged. "How did you know about this scheme?"

"We bribed their pilot," Jack answered.

"How?"

"How did I bribe Joker?" Hannah asked. "I've known that screwball since he got his wings; all I had to do was offer him a toy spaceship and he gave me everything. And then some." Hannah grimaced. "Their crew knows a little too much about them, I think."

"Can't be too surprised; so many species have to find some way to blow off steam; talking tends to do it."

"Speaking of blowing off steam," Jack said, taking the container from his wife. "We brought that chess set. Ready to lose?"

"We beat you last time; you should be the ones preparing yourselves," Officer Vakarian retorted.

"Yeah right! Hannah Shepard wasn't in the game last time," Hannah said. "You're going down!"

ME

Joker made gun noises as his model _Normandy_ sent Sovereign to the ground. Footsteps approached and he turned to see Tali. "Hey fellow secret agent; what's up? Here for your golden gun?" Joker asked.

Tali had no idea why someone would want a golden gun—it wouldn't work right—but she ignored it. "Do you think we did the right thing?" she asked.

"Hell yeah! I got the _Normandy_!" Joker replied.

"You have always had the _Normandy_, Jeff," EDI stated.

"Well now I got three! Two models and a real one!"

Tali rolled her eyes before EDI continued. "I do feel obligated to warn you both since you are the primary caretakers of me. Legion has just sent Shepard a notice naming both of as information leaks."

They froze; they'd forgotten Legion was probably still there listening in. Tali grumbled to herself. _Bosh'tet Geth; Legion is so not getting that file he asked for_.

"Do you think Jack would let me chill down there awhile?" Joker wondered aloud.

"Shepard is in the decontamination chambers."

"Crap."


	15. I Need Prettying

I Need Prettying

A/N: Commander John Shepard with a often noted but hopefully new take. Inspired by a random ME comic I passed by. Takes place after Horizon.

Garrus was in a poor mood. He wasn't necessarily angry as much as he was stressed. During the fight on Korlus when they got Grunt, Garrus had been punched in the face by one of the mercs. Since it was his scar that was hit, he checked it out afterward to see if he needed Doctor Chakwas. He didn't, but he noticed his formerly bright face tattoos were faded. He had never touched them up much during Omega because he hadn't had time.

Not wanting to dishonor himself and therefore his teammates, Garrus had the specific ink shipped to the _Normandy_. It had arrived late; the package was supposed to arrive before they reached the _Purgatory_. But due to increased traffic and pirating in the Terminus Systems, it hadn't arrived until they finished their mission on Horizon.

Horizon was a mess, and Garrus wasn't thinking about the Collectors. Considering the time they were on surface and when they got there, they did a great job. The mess came in the form of previous teammate Williams. Even if he was considered a bad example of a turian, Sidonis had seen to it that Garrus had a personal example of why he hated betrayal. And in his mind, Williams walking out on them like that was nothing short of treachery.

It had hit Shepard hard at first, made him uncertain. Garrus had been concerned until a few days afterward. Williams had sent a message to try to apologize for what she'd said. Her intentions might have been good, but Garrus took it as a sign she'd forgotten exactly who Shepard was.

John had read it and then gotten drunk with Zaheed, leaving Miranda in charge of CIC. He came back up, fire in his eyes and biotic aura pulsing, and ordered Joker to put him, Zaheed, and Garrus down on an uninhabited planet. Once on the ground, Shepard videoed himself shooting up a dummy look-a-like of Williams, with Joker bombarding the remains. Then John had sent the video as a reply, with the subject as 'Don't Screw with Shepard.' Vulgarities apparently weren't allowed in e-mail subject lines.

Now the Commander was up in his room, hopefully resting off his wrath. His anger might have been sparked by the alcohol, but Horizon had doused everything in flammable liquid. Either way, he needed some time to rest before they picked up Tali. Garrus had something more important to worry about and some unneeded concerns to address.

He opened his packaged in the battery room and examined the ink he'd been sent. Despite taking forever to reach him, it looked good. The ink his clan used was sometimes subject to change in travel. But now that his calibrations were done and there was time before suiting up to see an old friend, Garrus needed to freshen up his clan markings.

Taking the ink with him, Garrus left the batteries and headed into the men's bathroom. He stopped in front of the sink, washed his hands, and looked up to see what needed to be freshened the most. Instead of seeing his reflection, he saw the wall. Garrus sighed and dropped his head.

That's right; Grunt had destroyed the mirror a week ago; he had seen his reflection and attacked it with a headbutt. Apparently, mirrors were unimportant to Okeer. Curse that dead krogan, because now Garrus had no mirror.

He could possibly do it without looking in a mirror, but then he would only cover the basics. Clan markings had to be accurate beyond a doubt, and to do that Garrus needed a mirror. He groaned and picked up his ink; he should have seen ahead and ordered a mirror as well. After all, this was the _Normandy_; anything ever not related to a mission went wrong. Like that time Tali attacked Shepard for shaving. Or that accident with Williams. Strange, Garrus didn't feel bad about that anymore; next time he saw her, he was going to shout out she was on one, whether she was or not.

But back to the matter at hand. Garrus needed a mirror, but had no mirror. Letting out another sigh he left the bathroom; he'd just have to order a mirror and wait longer. Hopefully he'd still have clan markings by then.

Miranda walked by as Garrus left the bathroom, and he paused. _What's the human expression? A light bulb flicked on?_

"Excuse me, Miranda?" Garrus called, walking after her. She stopped by the elevator and turned to face him.

"Yes Garrus, what do you need?" she replied.

"Is there, ah, anyone in the women's bathroom?" he asked slowly.

Miranda arched an eyebrow, but heeded his request. She walked in the doorway and glanced briefly. "No; are you looking for—What the hell?" Miranda shouted as Garrus walked past her into the women's bathroom.

EDI's automated warning went off as Miranda stood there, eye twitching in shock. She had always suspected Garrus of being a human in a turian body but this... what was he doing in the women's bathroom.

"Garrus Vakarian explain yourself this instant," Miranda warned, folding her arms and giving him her best glare.

It blew past him without any effect; his eyes had glued themselves to the mirror in the bathroom. "It shouldn't take that long," Garrus muttered absentmindedly, checking his face before dipping his talons in ink.

Miranda's face remained flushed with confusion and anger as she watched Garrus freshen up. "You're touching up your makeup?" she asked, her mind unable to come up with the words she wanted.

There was a pause as Garrus applied ink. He spoke once his finger wasn't touching his face. "Clan markings," he corrected. He didn't think Miranda would mistake them for human cosmetics, but then it might be the fact he's in the women's bathroom.

Miranda heard footsteps approaching but couldn't bring herself to turn. Kasumi popped up next to her. "Hey Miri, what's..." Kasumi saw Garrus standing there, applying his tattoos in the mirror of the women's bathroom, and the thief's smile turned into laughter. "Garrus...ladies...bathroom...makeup!" she breathed, clutching her sides and leaning against the wall.

"Clan markings," Garrus mumbled in-between talon strokes.

Miranda found the words she needed. "Garrus, leave _now_; the bathroom is...needed," she ordered. So maybe she hadn't found the right words after all. This was the worst moment she'd ever encountered, and nothing ever really prepared you for this.

"By the color of piss after a shot of ryncol, _what the hell_?"

John Shepard was standing behind Miranda and Kasumi, awake and somewhat aware. He must have been between drunk and hungover, because his eyes were slightly glazed and he was holding a cold beer to his head. He glanced at a speechless Miranda, giggling Kasumi, and then looked at Garrus. Shepard closed his eyes and forced his brain to make hallucinations stop happening. "You're fixing your makeup?" he managed.

"Clan markings, Shepard," Garrus said, a little irritated this time.

"Why here?"

"Our mirror's busted; Grunt broke it."

"Oh," John said, as though his brain had finally accepted what he was seeing. Kasumi had now collapsed to her knees and was having trouble breathing through silent laughter. She was starting to turn blue.

"Commander, please have him leave," Miranda requested. "The bathroom can't be used if he's in it."

It took Shepard a moment, but he got the message. "Go use mine," he offered, gesturing with his beer. Miranda was gone so fast it hurt Shepard's head. With one problem solved, he glanced down at Kasumi, whose face was actually blue. He looked at his beer, and then offered it to her.

For some reason, John's blurry logic made sense. Kasumi took it and her laughter slowly died down, as though she had to be serious to hold his beer. Stifling a couple remaining giggles, the thief disappeared. That left Shepard with Garrus. He walked in, ignoring EDI's warning, and watching his friend apply the ink. "I thought they were faded," he remembered.

"Mm. Shouldn't take too much longer, Commander. Why don't you go sober up?"

"Bullets do that for me."

"We're picking up Tali soon."

"I go rest," Shepard agreed. He remembered she was easily intimidated by him before; showing up slightly tipsy might scare her. Garrus smiled inwardly as he applied more ink. Shepard was clueless sometimes.

John watched Garrus for a while longer. He twitched his fingers and realized he no longer had his beer; Kasumi had taken it somewhere. John checked his watch; they would reach Haestrom in six hours. That was plenty of time provided John went back to bed. He gave Garrus a grunt as the turian added a few finishing touches and turned to leave.

"John Shepard and Garrus Vakarian, what is going on here?"

Doctor Chakwas had heard Miranda shouting and Kasumi giggling. Being the Good Samaritan she was, she headed out to see if something was wrong. Instead, she found her Commander and turian friend standing alone in the women's restroom. The doctor gave them a chiding look and folded her arms.

Garrus froze, but didn't turn away from the mirror. Shepard held his hands up defensively and pointed to Garrus. "He's putting his makeup on, that's all," Shepard spat out.

Garrus sighed. "They're _clan markings_," he insisted. "Why can no one get that right?"

"You're the one who walked in here first," Shepard noted.


	16. Debauchery

Debauchery

A/N: Elizabeth Shepard is assuming control of this chapter. Suggested by LadyMalice1138. Takes place after the suicide mission in ME 2, during the infamous party briefly mentioned in Shake My Hand.

Without any doubt, the quietest one there was Thane. He was sitting in the corner, holding a drink, as he muttered his memories under his breath. For some reason his drunk mind was latched solely onto movie lines from Blasto the Jellyfish.

Everyone else was wild.

"Fuck the Reapers!" Elizabeth shouted, raising an bottle into the air. A horde of cheers joined her from the rest of the _Normandy_ crew. With the exception of Legion and EDI, the entire crew was drinking and celebrating their triumph over the Collectors. The suicide mission was a success without any suicides whatsoever. And while a couple people had filtered off to head somewhere else—Kasumi's room wasn't made to hold everyone, after all—the assault force was all accounted for.

Music blared; alcohol of all sorts was spilled on the ground. And there in the center of it all was Commander Elizabeth Shepard. That was the fifth time in the last ten minutes she'd made that toast, and yet most everybody was so far gone that they didn't care; it was an excuse to take another shot.

Tali was the most sober, and that was only by comparison. She stumbled and bumped into Zaheed, who didn't even seem to notice, and grabbed Garrus to keep him from getting away. "Garrus!" she shouted above the music.

Garrus heard his name but didn't respond to it until someone tugged on him. He looked around before looking down; Tali was laying on the ground with a firm grip on his ankle. "What are you doing?" he asked, blinking. Tali should be standing, because quarians don't lay on the floor. That was like laying on the ceiling...maybe. He couldn't think straight.

"What is, is, is, is, is—Shepard bottle!" Tali shouted, pointing to their commander with her free hand.

Garrus followed the finger's trail and found himself staring at Mordin's hand. That didn't seem right, so he kept going. His eyes caught his commander laughing wildly and slinging a near empty bottle around. His eyes widened and he glanced down at Tali. "What's she have?" he asked worriedly.

"What?" Tali asked, but Garrus had slipped out of her grip and headed towards Shepard. She rolled onto her back stared at the ceiling for a while, remembering to how to get up before she was stepping on. Legion walked over and helped her up. She patted him on the head, muttering "Good flashlight," and sat down to clear her mind.

Meanwhile, Garrus had caught up to Shepard. "Give me the bottle," Garrus muttered.

"No!" Elizabeth shouted, clutching it to her body. "Mine! Get your rown!"

"Elizzabeth," Garrus warned, aware he was slurring.

"I gotta this all by...Kasumi! Help!" Shepard cried out. Her pleas caught Kasumi's ear, but she couldn't figure out how to get past that counter. Miranda heard as well and saw Garrus trying to take the bottle from Shepard.

"Give him the bottle," Miranda ordered, thinking she stole it from Garrus.

Elizabeth leaned towards Miranda and poked her nose. While Miranda flinched backwards, Shepard blew her a long raspberry. However, the gesture did involve holding her arms out, allowing Garrus to take the bottle without Shepard noticing.

It was _hard_ to read in yellow light. Finally Garrus realized he was looking at human lettering and fumbled for his visor. Finally he got it. "This is Te-qui-ila!" he exclaimed. Shepard noticed him with her bottle and tried reaching for it, wrapping arms around Garrus as he held it at arm's length. "You can't have this!"

"Why?" Shepard whined. "I like it."

"You get cra, craz, cra _oh_," Garrus moaned quietly; Shepard's hands had begun exploring and was attempting to stick her hands down his pants. So far one of them was down there. He gave her a look and Shepard gave him a dirty little smirk.

Before Elizabeth could do anything worse, Joker's shouting caught their attention. Elizabeth pulled her hand out of Garrus's pants and leaned on him for support as she tried to listen. Joker, Zaheed, and Kelly were attempting to peer pressure Samara to take up the pole that had been installed for the party. How on earth Kasumi agreed to it was beyond them, but they were too busy trying to get Samara to do it.

Drunk as she was, however, Samara refused. "It's been too long," Samara explained, pointing to the ceiling as though that explained it.

"But you're our only sari!" Joker protested, attempting to move around without breaking anything. Only years of experience had taught him to be so good at it when drunk.

A voice spoke up over everyone else, including the music. "Screw that!" Shepard shouted, somehow stealing her bottle back from Garrus to polish it off. Eyes were on their commander as she stumbled forward and grabbed hold of the pole. "Asari don't gotta shit!"

Then as the music changed songs, Shepard began _pole dancing_ in front of her crew.

Garrus mind went blank as his thoughts flew out the window. What Shepard was doing was absolutely _hot_. When she'd mentioned—elasticity?—he'd never thought this. Catcalls from both the men and the women went out, reaching the music in volume as Shepard gave a dirty smirk and turned it up. Then, halfway during the song, she pulled out a trick she hadn't used yet.

"Holy—_Shepard_!"

"Did did you see that?

"I didn't think that was anatomily possble!"

"Can't be legal."

"I wanna be the pole!"

"Consensus achieved. Shepard has lost all of her cognitive thought process."

"Yeah Shep! Work that long hard thing!"

Shepard winked as best as she could at Kasumi, and the thief happily hopped up and joined Shepard on the pole, a new bottle in hand. The shouts from the crew were nearly drowning out the music now as the two did things that only made a silent Garrus want to rip Shepard off the pole and take her.

The crew reached an all time noise high as Kasumi drank from the bottle and then shared that alcohol with Shepard. Grinning as she swallowed, Elizabeth reached out and pulled Miranda up to greet them, then grabbed Tali as well. Tali, the relatively most sober, was hard to convince, but Jack shoved her up there. With four women on the pole, the noise was insane. People were quickly flooding back into the room to see and...relish the experience. Kasumi tipped the bottle upside down again, and this time Elizabeth drank what flowed out before giving some to Miranda. Screams filled the room; there was no way this could have happened on any military vessel.

Still giving out that innocent little smirk, Elizabeth gave Miranda's butt a squeeze and then jumped from the pole, landing on Garrus with her arms around them for support. Garrus wasn't ready for it and they stumbled backwards into the wall. He looked down at her to see if she was conscious and found her staring up at him with that same smirk, still awake and kicking. Her new cybernetics increased her resistance to poison, allowing Shepard to consume far more than she should've. But right now Garrus was busy remembering what he'd just seen as she kept up her seductive look.

"Hi," Shepard said innocently.

"You know I, I," Garrus tried, but he was having trouble telling her he wanted to go to her cabin.

Instead, Shepard put a finger on Garrus's mouth. "Kitchen. Tabl. Now," Shepard whispered in his ear. Garrus could only nod and move backwards through the door as Shepard led him with a kiss. Neither remembered anything after that.

* * *

><p>AN: Dirty Elizabeth Shepard. I need to wash my hands after writing that. Hope these make up for the absence.


	17. Surprise

Surprise

A/N: Screw you, writer's block; I win! Commander John Shepard is about to learn how to hate himself more; takes place after the suicide mission in ME2. Inspired and suggested by theluckyshot.

Commander John Shepard was in a mood so dark the lights around him were turning off. Then again, it could be the fact that his biotics were shorting them as he walked by. He entered the engineering bay and saw Tali hard at work on her console. With a look so black it changed his eye color, Shepard turned to Gabby Ken.

"Hey, Commander...heh, I'll be going then," Ken said. He practically bolted out of the room with Gabby right behind them. Tali gave them an odd look before seeing Shepard's expression and understanding.

"Is something wrong, John?" she asked, leaving her console.

Shepard grunted and then sighed, slumping his shoulder against the wall. The anger changed to despondence. "I hate my life," he admitted.

"What? Shepard you're the greatest man I know; what could be bothering you that much?" Tali asked, putting an arm around him.

"Today's my birthday," he grunted.

"Oh; happy birthday!" Tali said. Secretly, she had known it was his birthday but his present hadn't arrived to the _Normandy_ yet. _Bosh'tet pirates._

Abruptly the Spectre shook his head, fiercely enough that Tali had to remove her arm from around him. "No. No. No. _Not_ a happy birthday," Shepard defied. "On Earth's calendar, my birthday lies on the day April 1st, widely considered a universal holiday."

"...and this is bad?" Tali concluded.

"_Yes_. April 1st is regarded as April Fools' Day," Shepard explained. "On April Fools' its customary to play pranks on everyone for laughter. And I never stop getting sick of it."

Tali had to tilt her head on this one; Shepard did run a tight ship, but Garrus had noted the Commander was more turian like in his command structure. As long as things didn't interfere with the mission or cause him grief, he turned a blind eye. When they did cause him grief, he shot them full of holes. "John, I thought you thought pranks were okay for blowing steam. You've subscribed the Turian Councilor krogan porn three times—" Tali began, but she was cut off by John snapping.

"You don't get it!" he shouted hysterically, and Tali's eyes widened. Something was really under his skin to the point he was past anger. "Every year it's the same _thing_; because it's also _my_ birthday _April_ Fools' turns into _Shepard_ Fools' and I can't deal with this dumb crap _year_ after _year_ after _year_!" He leaned back into the wall and put his head in his hands, trying to calm himself down.

Tali was downright terrified. She'd seen John happy, shaken, angry, angry some more, but she had never seem him so... defeated. Even when he had been down a little, it had never come close to this level. For a man who was always in control, he was dangerously close to losing it. And Tali didn't like it.

"Well, we celebrated your birthday when catching Saren, and I didn't see anything then," Tali offered. At least, she didn't remember seeing anything.

"That's because the crew still _feared_ me then; nobody is afraid to risk my wrath here. Joker rolled me out of bed with the Normandy, Kelly replaced my beer with varren piss, Mordin told me AIDs was on the ship, Jacob 'broke' my revenant rifle, Miranda called me to a private meeting that wasn't real and had me waiting half an hour, Garrus put a tripwire leading into the batteries, I don't _know_ what was in my breakfast this morning, _Legion_ lied to me and claimed it had important information and then withheld it, I got reports from Grunt he'd killed Jack and the engineers told me you were sick," Shepard complained. "That's only what I can remember at the moment and it's _only 11 am human time_."

A deep feeling of guilt and shame washed over Tali as she realized how he must feel. Suffering all of the humiliation he did on his birthday of all things—humans held their birthday in high regard—all those years had finally showed itself. Even Shepard couldn't bottle everything and take it; he was already putting the galaxy's safety on his shoulders.

Overcome with guilt, Tali tried to subtly take the 'kick me' sign she'd placed on Shepard's back away.

But he moved out of her reach. "Sorry, just needed to vent," Shepard mumbled. "Just don't forget the meeting in ten minutes."

He left engineering bay leaving behind a guilt stricken Tali. She wringed her wrists. "Oh _Keelah_, why did I let myself be talked into this?" she asked aloud.  
>ME<p>

The briefing room was full with the entire crew save a few personnel down on crew quarters. None of them except Tali were showing any remorse for the deeds in the slightest, and nobody could see Tali's face. She looked up in time to see John come in. Normally, he looked headstrong and ready to roll. Now he just looked resigned and despondent. _I'm sorry, John_.

He stopped at his spot and examined his chair; someone had tried placing glue on it. But Shepard had endured too many birthdays for that trick. He shoved the chair aside. "Let's get this over with," he muttered, and leaned back against the wall. The crew was greeted by the sound of paper crinkling.

_Keelah._

Shepard stood up straight and reached for his back, producing the kick me sign that had been placed there. As a few untraceable snickers went around, Shepard did the math in his head; he reached the conclusion of who'd touched his back last and his eyes went to Tali. "_Tali_?" he said softly.

She squirmed under the sad accusing look. Shepard's spirits seemed to drop lower and he left the room before Tali could burst out a chorus of apologies. Instead, she slumped in her chair and felt like crying. The crew started to talk amongst themselves.

"You think we pushed him too far?"

"Never seen him like that."

"Joker this is your fault."

"Hey! I'd never seen the man crack! How was I supposed to know?"

"Man, I feel guilty now."

"Probably shouldn't have slipped that in his food—"

"—go apologize—"

"Wow, Shepard really is a wimp," Jack noted. The crew glared at her and she glared back. "What? You saw him!"

EDI's voice came over the speakers, and it was the most frantic they'd ever heard her. "Shepard has taken a pistol from the armory and is aiming for his head."

The crew froze and Tali felt her heart stop. Then the briefing room turned into a flurry of movement as they scrambled towards the door. _Keelah Keelah John don't do it I'm sorry—_

As she was halfway through the armory, a single gunshot went off.

Tali screamed.

Garrus paled.

Joker collapsed.

Tali and the rest of the crew surged into the CIC, terrified of what they would find. Vomit threatened to overwhelm Tali as she saw Shepard, face down in pooling blood, the smoking pistol in his hand. She fell to her knees next to him, the tears ready to burst forth. "John I'm sor—"

Shepard whipped around and pointed a finger at the crew. "APRIL FOOLS', SUCKERS!" Shepard shouted, glee in his face. "PAYBACK'S A BITCH, AIN'T IT?"


	18. Misinterpretations

Misinterpretations

A/N: Elizabeth Shepard, the queen of debauchery, is here; takes place when Shepard is only a Sergeant, before she's met her _Normandy_ buddies. Suggested by Dygen Entreri and Reikson.

Laughing at their squadmate's misfortune with the doctor—when they'd last seen him he was cowering before her—the group of off-duty Alliance Marines entered the club. Among them was young Elizabeth Shepard, a cocky grin on her face as she surveyed her surroundings. She had been to bars before, but never as a drinking customer. And as far as her knowledge went, this one seemed pretty good. Besides, they were in the Citadel Wards; how often did one get some shore time there?

More than a few looks were thrown their way; humans weren't always held in the highest regard. But the squad shrugged them off. They had just completed a successful mission, they all back alive, and they had a few laughs along the way. A touch of disdain wasn't going to ruin their spirits.

"And the thing I don't get about that last mission is where Lizzy went," one private remarked as they all gathered around a table. "She was sitting there one minute, sniping some pirate, and then she was gone!"

"Well duh, I'm a sniper. Being able to vanish is my trademark," Shepard teased. "I'm like Batwoman with a rifle."

The squad groaned. "Here we go again with the Batman references," their squad leader, a lieutenant, mumbled.

"Hey, Batman's awesome."

"You're obsessed. You're probably going to make your boyfriend Batman."

"...That's a good idea."

"Now look what you did!"

"I didn't know!"

"Easy guys," the lieutenant ordered. Their drinks arrived and he took a swig. "If 'Batty' Lizzy wants to do that, it's all good. Just don't date her." Shepard gave their lieutenant a glare and he raised an eyebrow in return, as if daring her to come at him.

"Isn't Batwoman a lesbian?" another private joked. Shepard stuck her tongue out at him and drank from her glass. Her eyes were drawn to the crowd of aliens against the side wall, watching a screen. They didn't look like they were worried, so it must have been something else. Shepard emptied her glass and got up, walking towards the screen.

Her squad traded looks, and then opened their mouths.

"Take it easy," Shepard said, waving behind her. "I just wanna check it out."

"There goes Batty Lizzy."

Shepard ignored their teasing and joined the group, falling in alongside a rather vain looking asari. The asari gave Shepard a glance and rolled her eyes; Elizabeth ignored her. She was too curious to give an insult. The screen showed what looked like a track with aliens moving all over. It had to be a race track, and obviously the aliens around her were watching to see if their pick won. But what really surprised Shepard were the contestants.

Elcor were lining up to race.

_I thought elcor were supposed to be some of the slowest guys around; racing down a hundred meter track is going to take them the better part of ten minutes! So why elcor?_ Elizabeth wondered. She heard the gamblers around her muttering about who was faster and who they personally could outrun. _I'm pretty sure you could outrun all of them_.

They finished lining up and a salarian held up the signal. He dropped it, and the race began. Shepard was awestruck as the elcor took off _running_.

Yes, the elcor were _running_ at speeds fast enough to outdo herself.

A chorus of cheers and groans went through the gamblers as the race finished. Shepard could only stare in amazement at the screen, her eyes having seen things she didn't think was possible. The asari next to her scoffed at her expression.

"Did you think elcor couldn't move quickly if they didn't want to?" the asari sniffed.

Elizabeth's eyes were glued to the screen. "That is so... _wicked_."

"What?" the asari asked.

"It's absolutely wicked. Who would've thought, huh? I mean I thought you asari were sick, but—" Shepard was cut off abruptly by a fist.

"Shut your mouth, human!" the asari hissed, holding up her fist.

Elizabeth's eyes narrowed and her squad got to their feet to rein her in before anything bad happened. But they were too far away. Shepard jumped at the asari and elbowed her in the eye. "Suck it, asari!" she shouted.

Their spirits already roused by the gambling, the gamblers broke in an all-out fight with no holds. Shepard's squad ran to try to get her out, but it ended up looking like they were joining the fight. The all out fight quickly became humans versus all. "Dang it, Lizzy!" the lieutenant shouted.

Shepard didn't hear them, but laughed as she bashed the asari's face in with a bottle, dropping her completely. A salarian came at Shepard next, but she jump and drilled her knee into him. While he knocked away, another salarian wrapped her in a body hug. She tried to break out but the salarian held on tight as his buddy got up. So Shepard spat in the salarian's eye.

He howled and let go, clutching his eye. Shepard put her boot in his chest before grabbing a chair. She slammed the steel chair into the back of a turian who was beating on one of her squadmates. A turian ran into the room, holding a pistol. "Hold it! C—"

The turian didn't finish his sentence, because Shepard kicked a field goal between his legs.

As Elizabeth picked her chair up and knocked the gunman out, gunshots went off. The bar turned to see a group of men with guns pointed at them. "C-Sec! On the ground!" they shouted. Elizabeth dropped her chair and got down along with everyone else.

"What do you want us to do?" one asked.

"Ergh, just take them all; we'll figure it out later," the other said.

ME

David Anderson walked into the holding cells. Of those arrested in the bar fight, only two remained: the asari and Sergeant Shepard. They had been placed in separate cells with one between them.

Shepard looked up when she saw Anderson, holding her jaw to nurse a bruise. "Hi."

"Shepard. Last time I saw you, you were trying to convince your mother you were old enough to get a tattoo," Anderson greeted.

"That was when I was seventeen; nice to see you again," Shepard agreed.

"I wish. If I hadn't been in the room with your mother when she found out, she would be down here instead of me."

"Ouch. I really owe you."

"You do; your mother tried to give me her pistol to shoot you."

Shepard shrugged in response and Anderson shook his head. He was far older than Hannah and Jack Shepard, and he could see Hannah in the exact same position Elizabeth had been many years ago. She was her mother's daughter, with a touch of her father's toughness thrown in.

"So why did the fight start, Shepard?" Anderson asked.

"You got me. We were watching a race and I said that the elcor were pretty wicked and that asari were sick...oops," Shepard muttered.

Anderson sighed. It was always the little things. "Think about that next time."

"My bad. So how long does Mom want me here?"

"Your father's saved your life this time; he reminded your mother of her activities when she was younger. Come on; your squad's slated for an assignment on Akuze," Anderson said. The cell door opened and Shepard was let out.

She gave Anderson a cocky grin. "Wouldn't miss it."

ME

On the _Normandy SR-2_, Shepard stopped in to see Garrus. "You know, I know as the girl who seduced you and stole you to my chambers that meeting your folks is important, but that doesn't mean I want to," she said.

Garrus paused his calibrations. This was the third time today "Elizabeth, we already agreed that we would do this. And we have to at least show up before we escape," Garrus pointed out—again.

"Yeah, I know. I don't like it," Shepard muttered. She sat down on a crate in the batteries. "What do your folks look like anyway?"

Garrus activated his omni-tool. He looked at the picture briefly before showing it to Shepard. "Here. That's my father on the left and my mother on the right," he pointed out. Shepard stared at it for a moment, and then a moment more. Five minutes after he'd initally shown her the picture, Garrus was getting confused. "Shepard?" he asked.

"...I think I kicked your father in the balls once."


	19. No Touchy

No Touchy

A/N: John Shepard is here to show his one weakness. Takes place a few days after Shepard's elaborate April Fools' Day prank. Not certain where it was inspired from.

Tali looked behind her console for the third time, uncertain of where she'd placed it. One of her tools for hands-on maintenance was missing, and she had no idea where it'd gone. The other two engineers had watched in amusement as Tali tore her half of the engine room apart, looking for her tool. She didn't even necessarily need it and could always borrow one of theirs, but the quarian just had to know where hers went.

She checked by EDI's avatar and then paused. _Why didn't I just ask EDI? I could have saved half an hour_. Tali sighed and stood up. "EDI, do you know where my tool is?" she asked.

"Yes. It on the Commander's desk," EDI answered.

_Bosh'tet._

Ken smirked as Tali unconsciously formed fists. "Still not talking to Shepard, eh Tali?" he questioned, a smirk on his face. Tali had all but killed the commander after his prank. Whereas a few of the humans had started laughing, Tali had screamed bloody murder and kicked one right between his legs before storming off. It had been worth seeing.

Tali glared at Ken. "What would _you_ do if you saw Gabby dead?" Tali asked.

"Go get a beer—Ow that hurts woman!" Ken shouted, rubbing his arm.

Gabby grinned and cracked her knuckles. "He'd get two beers; one for me, remember?" she pressed.

"You'd be dead; I would only need one."

"You idiot; you're never going to see me dead because it's practically guaranteed I'm going to outlive you!"

"What gives you _that_ impression you..."

Tali had already left the engineering bay, wondering mildly if she'd come back to find the engineers making out. That was a continual question among the crew; what _did_ the squabbling engineers do when no one was around? _I should place some cameras around my workstation and see if I can catch them doing something. But for now, I have to see that bosh'tet and hope he doesn't try to hide my tool from me, or I'll beat him to death with it_.

The quarian engineer got on the elevator and waited impatiently for it to reach John's cabin. He was probably up there; he had begun spending a lot of time up there when he was thinking or planning. _I'll just ignore him, grab my tool, and leave_. _Honestly how could Shepard do that to me? I was practically crying, terrified I'd lost him again and it was my fault, and instead it's all part of his grand idea to play a prank on us. If only Aunty Ra'an was here, she'd let him have it for sure._

Tali stepped out as the elevator reached Shepard's cabin. The door didn't open right away, but instead EDI announced that the interior cabin was decontaminating. It was something Shepard had his room do when she came up. _But I'm not going to be up here very long_.

The room finished decontaminating and Tali walked in. Sure enough, Shepard was there, sitting on the edge of his bed with his foot in his hand. He looked genuinely surprised to see his door open—he'd probably been absorbed in whatever he was doing. Tali gave him a glare before her eyes widened as she gasped.

"_Keelah_, Shepard, what did you do?" she demanded, pointing at his foot.

Shepard glanced down at his bloodied foot; it was dripping on his floor and he was in the midst of bandaging it. "I think I stepped on something," he answered simply.

Her tool forgotten, Tali rushed to look at Shepard's foot. Shepard lay down as his foot was lifted up into the air to give Tali a better look. "Why is Doctor Chakwas looking at this; there's blood everywhere! How can you be so casual about this?" Tali muttered, looking it over.

"She already did, Tali," Shepard soothed. "I'm just replacing the bandages myself—"

"You really should have someone else do this John or at least report it," Tali interrupted, bandaging the rest for him. "What if we had to run a long distance on a mission or jump something? You could hurt it worse! Keelah."

John Shepard smiled to himself. _Note to self: next time Tali's mad at you, go visit Grunt_.

Tali finished the bandaging and glared at Shepard. "You need to be more careful, Shepard."

"It was just an accident, Tali," Shepard assured. He had no idea a little wound like this would be that frightening. It wasn't like when he had spilled fake blood on the floor and pretended to shoot himself. It hurt to think about what came after that.

"Still...this looks painful," she mumbled, concern flooding her voice. She traced the injury with her finger.

Shepard let out a short bark and flinched wildly, his foot nearly squirming out of her grasp.

Tali jumped at the sudden outburst. She glanced at his face for an explanation and found him holding a grin back. "Shepard?" she asked slowly, poking his foot. _Is he hurt worse than I thought?_

"Don't do that please," Shepard requested quickly, trying to pull his foot away. He did and stood up, keeping a distance between him and Tali. _Keelah what is he...you've got to be kidding me_.

"John, are humans _ticklish on their feet_?" Tali asked. She knew quarians were ticklish around their ribs, but she never knew anyone to be ticklish on their feet of all places.

"No, of course not," John answered, sounding very defiant.

Tali frowned at his tone; he was denying it _too_ much. _Come to think of it, that's how I sound when..._ Tali narrowed her eyes evilly at Tali. Shepard caught that much.

"Now Tali," Shepard warned, holding his hands up. He didn't get much further as Tali tackled him into the bed. Maybe he'd taught her hand to hand too well, because she used her flexibility to sit on Shepard's legs. She grabbed his good flailing foot and began lightly scratching the sole.

Shepard held it in as long as he could and then burst out laughing, squirming each way he could to get out of Tali's grasp. "TALI! Tali stop..." Shepard gasped before falling into silent laughter. For Tali, it was near impossible to hold onto Shepard and continue her little torture. A grin appeared on her face; hearing John beg for mercy was worth it. _Payback is nice, after all_.

Suddenly Tali jumped into the air, Shepard's foot forgotten. The commander had managed to twist around in his squirming and squeeze Tali's ribs, causing the quarian to yelp. "Ha; thought you'd be ticklish there," John breathed as Tali landed again.

"You're assuming things, John," Tali said, standing up. "I was just surprised, that's all." She didn't like the way his eyes gained that same evil look. _Well, there's only one way to hold him off._ She jumped at Shepard, but found herself pinned this time. Tali's laughter filled the room.

ME

Ken glanced at Gabby. "So is it me, or has Tali been gone a while getting her tool?" Ken asked.

"Yeah," Gabby agreed. "It's been half an hour."

"I wonder which tool she—Ow!" Ken complained.

"I can keep punching you in the arm, Kenneth."

"So rough, woman. Be gentle."

Gabby punched Ken again and called up EDI. "EDI, what is Tali doing?"

"I am not at liberty to say," EDI answered.

Ken and Gabby exchanged quick looks; they knew what that meant. "Exactly when did this non liberty began?" Ken asked.

"Ten minutes ago."

Both engineers exchanged an eager look at each other. "Think that gives us enough time?" Gabby asked slowly.

Ken jumped her. "You bet your ass, woman."


End file.
